We Need Neurodiversity

I love this quotation from Louise over at Bloom: "Neurodiversity suggests that there are benefits to brains that think differently."

I agree.  

Louise goes on to review this article, which discusses the neurodiversity movement and how neurodiversity is an asset in the world we live in.  We've all heard that the world would be incredibly dull if we were all the same.  We all know that life is more joyful with different perspectives and different ideas.  
Here's a quotation from the article that focuses on some positive attributes that some Autistics have:
"Autistic people, for instance, have prodigious memories for facts, are often highly intelligent in ways that don’t register on verbal IQ tests, and are capable of focusing for long periods on tasks that take advantage of their natural gift for detecting flaws in visual patterns. By autistic standards, the “normal” human brain is easily distractable, is obsessively social, and suffers from a deficit of attention to detail."
Of course all these traits aren't relevant to all Autistics, but I'd say that most of us feel at least some of these qualities apply to ourselves.  Whether we are verbal or non-verbal, "high-functioning" or "low-functioning," or any of the other labels people feel the need to attach to autistic individuals, I think we all - at least in some way - mirror parts of this description.  

We all know that being autistic isn't the easiest thing in the world.  Autism makes life harder for a lot of people.  The Wired article briefly mentions some of the struggles - like chronic underemployment and in many cases unemployment - that are faced by Autistic adults.  But every once in a while, I come across amazing quotations like the ones above, quotations that make me feel proud of my neurodiversity.

The Autistic Eagle Survey

Autistic Eagle has this survey this survey over on tumblr right now.  In my effort to share all things me and my amazing Autistic self here, I'm posting my responses. 

1. Are you autistic?
Yes.

2. Do you know autistic people socially?
Yes.  I knew many Autistic kids in middle school when I went to a school specifically for kids on the autism spectrum, and I have known other Autistics through various social skills groups and other activities.  I also have a few Autistic friends I've just met along the way.

3. When did you get your diagnosis?
Age 9.  Then again at age 11 by a "leading specialist" in ASD.

4. What is your genetic gender?
Female

5. What gender do you identify as?
Female

6. What sexual orientation label do you apply to yourself?
Heterosexual, at the moment, although that has evolved from asexual, which I identified as for most of my teen years.

7. Have you ever experienced depression that was not linked directly to autism?
Probably.  I've had anxiety and depression my whole life but always assumed they were related to my ASD diagnosis, although depression (particularly bi-polar / manic depression) runs in my family, so I wouldn't be quite sure whether it's totally ASD-related or whether there is a genetic component.

8. Have you ever had a meltdown in a public place that was almost entirely or entirely populated by strangers?
Yep.  Shopping malls are (still to this day) a big source of anxiety for me and definitely have triggered their fair share of meltdowns, especially in recent years.  Meltdowns in university classes aren't particularly fun, either.

9. Did you ever attend a school for children with mental conditions?
Yes.  I was in the special education stream in a "regular" elementary school from grade 3-6 and then attended a school for kids with autism spectrum disorders from grade 7-8.  I was mainstreamed in high school.

10. Do your parents/grandparents have any mental conditions?
Bi-polar disorder/manic depression and unipolar depression run in the family.  Other than that, nothing has been diagnosed.  

11. What is your favorite food? 
Probably a combination of chips and Diet Coke.  Or pizza with feta cheese.  Or a falafel sandwich.  

12. What is your favorite season?
Winter, because it's regimented.  I hate "free time."

13. What are your special interests and when did you pick them up as special interests?
Names.  I picked up a fascination with names when I was probably 2 or 3 years old and nearly 20 years later, my name obsession is something unmatched by any of my Autistic peers' interests.  (I'll post about this one day).  
Television.  I know every storyline from every episode of all the shows I enjoy.  I can tell you exactly what happened in any given episode and that episode's title.  My friends think this one's an interesting talent.
I used to have a "thing" for shapes.  I'm getting over that one though.
Multisyllabic words are no longer something I "collect," but they're definitely calming for me.  When I'm stressed out, I repeat "La Guardia" to myself and it always calms me down.  I've been doing that since I was six or seven years old.

14. Have you ever collected something?
Rocks, coins, little knick-knacks, and inspirational quotations.  Probably a lot of other things over the years, but that's all I have left.

15. What is the longest time you have ever spent on the internet, and what were you doing in that time?
Reading, probably, or watching television.  Or playing Tetris.  Or Bejeweled.  

Exclusion

I am wise.  I am smart.  I am confident.  I am capable.
I am well aware that I can also be "different."  I know it's "different" that I love to run around outside and I don't feel free unless I'm flapping my arms.  I know it's "different" that I have to force myself to make eye contact, and oftentimes I choose not to, because it's easier for me.  I know it's "different" that some textures disgust me and I have a physical aversion to yogurts and apple sauce and other "mushy" food.  I know it's "different" that, when I'm stressed, I pace and repeat words that I like the sound of.  I know it's "different" that sometimes my best friends see my Autistic behavior and feel the need to ask "Hey, have you taken your medication today?" as if they're helping me, as if it's something I could have forgotten, or as if taking my cocktail of six pills every night keeps my Asperger's toned done enough to make my company tolerable.
What I want to say to the world right now is that, despite the differences you sometimes perceive in me, I am a good friend.  You wouldn't like me if I wasn't.  You wouldn't have chosen to be my friend if I was as terrible as you sometimes seem to think I am.
Two friends are having going through difficult times right now and are not sharing with me.  I feel left out.  I am usually someone that people come to with their problems and now, I am having a very hard time feeling accepted by the people who are supposed to love me most.  I don't have a lot of friends, but that's not because I'm bad at friendship.  I am a good friend.  I like to help my friends.  I want to help my friends.
I might not be the best at helping, but I want the opportunity.  I want to try.  I want to learn how to be helpful. I want my friends to at least give me a chance.
This situation reminds me that, even the people who should be the most enlightened, sometimes still see my autism as a liability.
I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling like I'm being excluded because of my neurochemistry.

Comforting Others

I am not a traditionally "supportive" person.
I do not enjoy highly emotional situations because I simply do not know how to react.  I feel uncomfortable.  I forget how to behave "appropriately."  I start shaking, stimming, flapping my arms, and shaking my hands.  My vocal cadence changes dramatically.  I speak in short, concise sentences with repeated, multisyllabic words.
When my friends are having difficult days, it is really hard for me to "be there" for them.  I really just don't know many ways to comfort adults, and my attempts are often clumsy, because I don't particularly want to be the person who is relied upon to comfort someone I love.
It's not that I don't love them or want them to feel better, it's just that I don't handle sad situations well.  When people are upset, I get upset.  And whenever I get uncomfortable, I find it really difficult to manage independently, let alone socially.
It's hard for me to comfort others.  I feel bad about that.  I wish I could be a "better" friend when it comes to comforting those in need.

People Will Appreciate You

Sometimes, being autistic is like being any "normal" person.  But sometimes, being autistic makes you stick out "like a sore thumb."  I'm one of those Autistics who can "blend" rather well for short periods of time and in a familiar environment, such that I don't really have to talk to people or do anything new or uncomfortable.  A lot of people see me as eccentric, but most people don't assume I'm Autistic just from getting to know me a little bit.

A long time ago, I embraced my autism.  I learned to appreciate myself as a strong and confident Autistic with tons to offer the world.  But still, it took a long time for me to acknowledge that other people would see my autism as an asset.  

Maybe I'm the only one who's ever thought this.  But if I'm not, I just wanted to put it out into the world for all other people to know: you will be valued by other people.  There are people who love your autism, and these people will see your autism as something that makes you more you. 

I had a good day today and it felt important to share this message.  I don't have a big social circle, but I believe that the people who surround me love me regardless of my quirks.  In fact, I think they love me because of my quirks.  And that makes me feel really good.

I Lost My Phone *Cue the Anxiety*

I am a child of the twentieth century, but I've adapted well to twenty-first century living.  In high school, I had a mobile phone for emergencies; it was pink and relatively nice looking, but I didn't even know my own phone number.  I called my mother on it occasionally.  I never sent a text message.  I never even took that phone out of my backpack.
When I moved 4000 kilometers from home, I had to buy a cell phone.  I went to the store with my mother and she handled the purchase for me.  I stood by and listened to the salesman's instructions, but I didn't really learn too much.  I have been asking my mother questions about this phone for the past two years because I know she understood a lot more about it than I did.
I am now a person who carries her phone.  I put it in my pocket whenever I go out and when I'm inside, it's usually on the nearest surface.  I probably place two or three phone calls daily and send a handful of text messages to the people I'm closest with.  I've also started using my phone to tell me the weather and also to share with me the top news stories.  I've grown rather accustomed to my phone.
I lost my phone today.
I was having an anxious day and I begged a friend to come outside for some "fresh air."  We meandered around a field and some apartment buildings, jaunting to and fro with a rather impish attitude.  I skipped down the sidewalk, I jumped on rocks, I flapped my arms carelessly in the breeze, and I climbed everything that looked climb-able. I don't have the best balance, but it was past 8 o'clock PM and relatively dark, and I wasn't embarrassed to look silly in front of only my best friend.  We took a very long walk and traversed the same terrain multiple times.  It was very fun.  Or, at least, it was fun until I realized that my mobile phone was no longer in my sweater pocket.
I suffer a lot of anxiety when things don't go my way or when plans change unexpectedly, and let me tell you, this was not the ideal day for plans to change.  I went into a full meltdown state right there on the field, prancing back and forth, hopelessly begging my phone to return to me.  I'd been so energetic before, but suddenly I just shut down.  I sat still and burrowed into myself, my thoughts running wild. I panicked.  I was sweating.  I was shaking and flapping my arms and internalizing my pain.  I was frozen with fear and anxiety.  It was terrible.
I found my phone.  I don't know what else to say, other than this: I found my phone.  It was after forty arduous minutes of searching a very dark field and only with the help of a very patient best friend who I am even more thankful for now than I was yesterday.  I found my phone.  I am still having a very hard time being calm, but for the moment, things are back as they should be, and that small fact makes me just a little bit more comfortable.

Today is a Bad Day

I will endeavor to write this gracefully, but I am feeling very little grace at the moment.

I am feeling chaos.  I am feeling like my world is spinning out of control.  I woke up later than I wanted to.  I owe a colleague five dollars but was unable to give it to her, since I woke up late.  My friend worked all day and even though she said we'd get together tonight, she's decided she'd rather be alone.  I put so much effort into an assignment and now I have to reformat it.  I have to do two loads of laundry, have dinner, and plan a social activity for tomorrow.  I have a lot of dishes to do and a shower to clean.  I also have a headache, which is rather unpleasant.

I am an intelligent person and I know that this is not enough to ruin a day.  But still, today's activities have been poorly organized and interspersed with bouts of crying.  I have sat and cried for so long today that I feel numb.  I am overwhelmed by the amount of things that thave not gone my way.  I cannot think straight.  I cannot be productive.  I am really struggling to be content at all in this day and that itself is giving me anxiety.  

I had a meltdown over nachos today.  And then another meltdown for no apparent reason.  I am bored and I am tired and I am hungry and I am grouchy.