All About Me

Here, I like to write about being Autistic.  I sometimes find that in the rest of my life, I often find myself trying to "hide" my autism, but here, and elsewhere on the internet, in the warm embrace of the Autistic community, I feel comfortable to share the unique tidbits of my Autistic life that are particularly relevant to other Autistics.
But today, I thought it would be interesting to mention some unique things about me that have nothing to do with my autism.  Today, I'm going to share some facts about myself that relate only to me being human.
I love animals.  It started out as a love of cats - I even wanted to be a cat when I was younger - but has evolved to a love of all animals.
I love creative writing.  I have always wanted to be a published novelist or author of short stories.  I used to write a lot but that trend has slowed in recent years.  I still love writing though.  Hopefully I'll get back in to it soon.
I have wanted to be a mother since I was three years old.  My first career goal was to be a stay-at-home mom.
I really dislike reality television.  It's difficult for me to articulate why, exactly, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have a deep love for scripted television, for beloved characters, and for the creativity of their writers.
I have always loved country music and musicals.  It's a strange combination, but those are the two categories of songs on my iPod.
In my fridge right now, I have two boxes of carrots, a loaf of bread, some garlic butter, a can of Diet Coke, a container of chocolate-chip muffins, and a tetra-pack of soy milk.
My walls are dressed with photographs of me with my friends, print-outs of my favorite song lyrics, small pencil drawings I designed last year, a series of cards I received for my last birthday, along with a handful of interesting-looking paper souvenirs 
I bought 60 packages of hot chocolate 2 years ago that I'm just now getting around to drinking because I've been very lazy about cleaning my kettle and/or never seem to be in the mood for hot chocolate.
I prefer Celcius to Farenheit.
I never enjoyed functions but I loved calculus.
The first movie I fell head-over-heels in love with was Practical Magic.  That movie made me want to be Sandra Bullock.
Ms Congeniality was pretty funny too.
But for the most part, I prefer watching television.  I don't usually have the attention span to watch TV for more than 40 minutes at a time.
I've been to a playground twice in the past three days.

Educating People About Autism

I find it hateful when people state untrue facts about autism.
I find it hateful when people spew fallacies about the etiology of autism.
I find it hateful when people talk about "curing" autism.
I find it hateful when people say disrespectful things about Autistics.
Sometimes, it feels like there are two camps of people: those who think autism is a terrible thing and those who appreciate it as an amazing gift.  The first category of people, people who tend to act hatefully towards Autistics like myself, are oftentimes the people who spread false statements and create fear in the hearts and minds of people who don't know anything about autism.
Language around autism is such a convoluted mine-field and not something I feel comfortable discussing.  The dialogue among Autistics and allies and families and professionals is one thing.  When those ignorant to autism join the conversation, things become even more complicated.
What I do know is that these conversations are important.  We need to talk about autism.  And we need to invite all people to the conversation.  Everyone's beliefs and opinions will be different, but that is all right.  We need to share our knowledge.  Autistics need to speak.  Friends and families of Autistics need to speak.  The professionals who work with Autistics need to speak.  Everyone needs to be involved in the discussion.
It is really important that autism stop being the proverbial "elephant in the room" and become something we are comfortable talking about.  Because nothing is going to change unless we step up and share our expertise.  People will state untrue facts, people will spew fallacies, people will talk about "cures," and people will be disrespectful.  People will do all these things because they don't know any better.  It is our responsibility to impart our wisdom to these people so that there is less hate directed toward our community.

Autistic and Female

Emily Willingham wrote a very interesting article about girls/women and autism a few months back in Forbes magazine.

I particularly liked this quotation: 

"The girls’ ‘protection’ might not come from protection against autism. Instead, it might come from being autistic in a different way from boys, a way that clinicians have yet to recognize, a way that leads researchers unknowingly to exclude autistic females from studies. It might not be that girls are better at “hiding” behaviors, as some suggest. Instead, their behaviors differ from those of autistic boys in ways that researchers are just beginning to understand."

The phrase "being autistic in a different way" jumps out at me.  

I was lucky.  I was diagnosed with autism at a young age.  Many Autistic girls are not as lucky as I was.  Many grow up feeling misunderstood because they have no clear understanding of what makes them unique.  I know I used to be lonely, before I understood why I was different.  I know my parents used to worry that there was something "wrong" with me.  My diagnosis changed all that.  My diagnosis was a definitive answer to the puzzle we'd been trying to solve.  

My heart goes out to all my Autistic "sisters" who are still trying to understand the beautiful mysteries that make them unique.

What Is Autism?

My best friend (who is neurotypical) asked me this question a few days ago.  She asked me: "What exactly is ASD?"
She knows I have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and she knows that makes me Autistic.  But what she did not know is how autism works or, more precisely, what makes an Autistic different from a neurotypical.
Autism is hard to explain.  I've heard advocates use the term "puzzle" to describe autism, as if it's something complex and challenging that we can't quite quite figure out but are compelled to work at, over and over again, until we can unlock its secrets.  I've heard discussion among specialists about neurotransmitters and anomalies in brain structure.  I've heard about the behavioral and sensory challenges that are often associated with Autistics.  I've heard drabble about "low-functioning" and "high-functioning" Autistics and Autistics who are referred to as "savants."  I've heard about non-verbal Autistics and verbal Autistics, Autistics who excel at math and science, and Autistics whose passion lies in language.  Autism is different in everybody.  And I am not an expert in everybody.  In fact, I am far from it.  But I'd hazard to guess that I am an expert in myself.
I ended up telling her that autism means that my brain works, on a fundamental level, a little bit different than hers.  I said that autism makes me see things differently and think about them in a different way.  I said that, even though we both live in the same environment, my "world" is just a little bit different than hers.
I don't know what it is like to be neurotypical, but I do know this; I see things just a little bit differently than neurotypicals do, and I am perfectly content with that.

Being Human

The blog has been on a bit of a hiatus recently because I've been distracted with many things and, frankly, haven't felt the inspiration to write about much of anything.  I have been going about my daily life as "normal" as I usually do. I have been enjoying social time and enjoying solitary time.  I have been watching television and reading books.  I have been doing all my housekeeping duties like eating healthy food, doing my laundry, and going to bed at a reasonable hour.  I have been existing and I have felt pleasant.
I tend to focus on my peculiarities here because they are more interesting to dissect than the things that make me "normal."  I am autistic, and inherently, autistics all tend to be a little bit "different."
But so often, I display traits just like any neurotypical.  I am hungry, for example.  I am thirsty.  I'm tired and I'm cranky because I am craving raisins but I don't have any in my fridge.  I am running out of shampoo and I'm frustrated that I'm going to have to go buy groceries soon.  I'll probably also have to buy raisins.
I could come up with something to say about every one of those things that specifically relates to my autism.  Grocery shopping is anxiety-provoking for me, for example, and that is because my Asperger's Syndrome makes me very sensitive to bright lights and bright colors and the disorder and chaos that abound in grocery stores.  And that's not even to mention all the noises - I have a very difficult time processing auditory stimuli and get overstimulated very easily - and all the people - I haveff always suffered from social anxiety and have a severe aversion to 'small talk.'
But my point here is that as I "other" myself - as much as many autistics tend to "other" ourselves - from neurotypicals, we are all, inherently, the same.
We are all human.
We all get hungry, we all get tired, we all want, and we all need.
We are human.

Changes Are Scary

In mid-January, I posted here about how I dislike change.  I have disliked change since I was a young child and honestly, it isn't something I see overcoming in the near future.  I spend a large proportion of my time planning my schedule - for the day, the week, the month.  This proportion of time spent is matched only by the amount of time I spend worrying about the things I cannot fit into the clean and precise crevasses in my mental calendar.  I am always afraid that plans will change.  I am terrified that, since most activities require the assistance or participation of another person (or multiple people) in some way, the plan I have so neatly worked out in my head may completely morph into something else, and this process may be completely out of my control.
I have multiple diagnoses secondary to autism, including an anxiety disorder, and in the circumstances that follow change - be it major change or minor change - autism and anxiety tend to gang up on me and produce unfavorable behaviors.
I am not proud to admit that just thinking about change makes me shake a little bit.
I am not proud to admit that, even the smallest change to a predetermined plan is enough to send me into a meltdown.
I don't like meltdowns.  I have them, but I don't like them.  Meltdowns are, for many autistics, a "normal" part of living and they're oftentimes something we cannot control.  They are awkward and embarrassing and painful and undermining, but they happen regardless of how much we sometimes wish they would go away.  Or, at least, that has been my experience.  I've tried breathing, I've tried taking breaks, I've tried modified education and special education, I've tried living with the "disability" label in my building, but nothing - so far - has kept me from melting down.  And changes are, by far, one of my biggest triggers.
Changes are scary.  Changes highlight the uncertainty of the world.  Changes remind me of the omnipresent entropy in our society.
I'm finding myself incredibly lucky, however, that I have good friends who are really considerate of my distaste of changes and who try to accommodate for me as best as possible.  I am really fortunate that, even though things still change and I still melt down, I'm less embarrassed about my peculiarities and I'm starting to really embrace the more 'negative' quirks of autism that I tend to display.
Changes are scary, but people can sometimes make them less scary.  I've been counting on that a lot recently.

Never Tell An Autistic to Have "Quiet Hands"

Just don't do it.
It's a bad idea.
It sounds simple enough - I guess I can see where the confusion comes from - but it's really important for people to understand that when autistics flap or shake or wave their arms, they are doing so because it is a technique that allows us to better understand the world.
Stimming is difficult to describe to a neurotypical person.  Autistics of all creeds understand stimming; it's one of the things that connects us all together.  But to neurotypical culture, it is deemed "weird."  It's just not something that NTs do.  And, since autistics and NTs live together in this beautiful world, sometimes we have to make concessions for one another.
But, as a public service announcement to neurotypicals everywhere, please know: we stim because we have to.  Stimming is not a choice; in fact, stimming is a reflex for most autistics.  Stimming is not always seen as acceptable among neurotypicals, and we are aware of that.  Sometimes, we are self-conscious.  We don't like it when you judge us.  But even though we're afraid of what you'll think when you see us stimming, we cannot stop.  Stimming is just something we do.
I should clarify here that not all autistics stim, and sometimes our stims take different forms.  Some autistics have vocal stims.  Others have physical stims.  Some of us - including myself - have a combination of both.
In my case, I stim more when I am nervous or anxious.  I will repeat words - words that I like because they sound nice, not words that are relevant - and shake my hands or flap my arms.  I hate stimming in public because I'm always afraid that I will be judged.  I never used to notice and I especially never used to care, but now I am afraid and it is very difficult for me to stop stimming once I get to this heightened state of anxiety.
I've never been told to quiet my hands, but it has happened to other autistics I know, and it seems very impolite to me.  I would get more nervous if told to quiet my hands.  I would probably stim more.  And, honestly, being told to quiet my hands might even cause me to melt down.
My point here: be tolerant.
If you are neurotypical, you cannot understand the mind of an autistic, no matter how hard you try.  We are different than you.  It's OK to admit that.  But it's not OK to refuse to accept that we are also of value.  We do things differently.  And that is OK.  This world is full of all different and unique  individuals and it is important to remember that we all must coexist together.  Please be tolerant of neurodiversity.