Circadian Rhythm

Today I am so thankful for the Circadian Rhythm.
The Circadian Rhythm is a body response that regulates a series of basal actions, including the sleep cycle.  Despite my three years of a science degree, I don't remember a whole lot about the Circadian Rhythm, but I know that part of it is the body's "internal clock."
And I am so thankful.
I've been working a lot of evenings recently, and I had a night shift Wednesday that I haven't fully recovered from.  I've also been working every day, many hours a day.  Plus I'm entering the last weekend of a course that I'm taking, which is really stressing me out because I haven't had the chance to do all my work yet.  I still have a few things to study and 15 pages of a paper to write!  I am really paranoid about the paper, but I'm also exhausted.
I'm trying to fight the Circadian Rhythm - I have been trying to do so since I got off work at midnight on Tuesday and then when I stayed up all night to work on Wednesday.  But I'm so tired.  I'm so tired, and I have to work tomorrow morning.
I crave sleep.
Thank you, Circadian Rhythm, for reminding me that sleep is good.

Frustrated by Ignorance (& Pre-Marital Counselling)

Why am I crying right now?

My fiance just called me.  He'd been called to "pre-marital counselling detention" (as I called it), but more specifically, our pastor had asked to have a private meeting with him.  We've both been speculating for a few days over what would be discussed in this meeting.  We had a lot of ideas.  But we were totally wrong.

He wanted to talk about my Asperger's.

I wasn't even there (he specifically asked my fiance to meet him privately) to discuss my brain.

I haven't gotten the whole story yet, but I'm upset about that.  I'm upset because, frankly, I don't know if he would know that I was Autistic if my fiance and I had not disclosed it to him, a long time ago.  He's strangely preoccupied with my brain though and at our other pre-marital counselling meeting, he asked about it a lot.  I don't mind when people ask questions about my brain, but I'm not keen on people asking questions about my brain from people who don't know what they're talking about.

My fiance knows a lot about me and a bit about autism, but he's not the expert.  If anyone's the expert, it's ME.

What did the pastor ask about?  Well, he just mentioned to my fiance that marriage spiced with Asperger's will have its own unique challenges and life might be hard for us.  But isn't life hard for everybody?

He said that - since I apparently give less facial information than neurotypical people - I might in some way hinder my children's development.  WHAT?  My fiance and I really look forward to having kids, so this definitely peeved me.  I don't want to hear this man's backward explanation of my brain and how he thinks I'll somehow screw up my children because I apparently don't have an expressive face!  That is absurd and judgmental and makes me feel really bad about myself.

He also suggested that we visit a medical doctor (as a couple) to talk about Asperger's.  As if I've never visited a doctor about my brain before.  As if I've never seen a neurologist.  As if I haven't had years of cognitive behavior therapy.  As if I haven't seen all the specialists in pediatric autism Toronto, Ontario (at SickKids, CAMH, Geneva... I've seen them all).  As if I haven't read books and befriended other Autistic kids and been in special education and gone to extracurricular programs with other Autistic people.  I KNOW HOW AUTISM WORKS.  And even more than that, I'd like to say that I'm the most knowledgeable person about my own brain.

I fully think it would be great if my fiance had a better understanding of autism, but I think it's more important that he understands me, and I'd like to think that when he looks at me he sees more than a diagnosis I received at nine years of age.  I can't go back and "fix" my brain or change it in some way so I don't have this condition.  This is how I was built and I'm OK with that.  I actually like my brain and don't see it as a liability.  But when people like this pastor treat it like it's some sort of huge problem and obstacle that we have to overcome, it makes me feel really inadequate, like autism is a bad thing.

Autism is not a bad thing.

Autism is not a punishment.  Not for me and certainly not for my fiance.  Autism is a small portion of my life and an even smaller portion of his life.

When my fiance mentioned that the pastor said he should find a support group for other people married to Autistic individuals, I thought that was a good idea, but I retorted back that I want a support group for Autistic people married to neurotypicals, because even though I know I can be annoying sometimes, neurotypical people can definitely be an annoyance to me.

I am smart enough to see ignorance when it is near me, and frankly this small town I currently live in is full of it.  I'm really frustrated that this man is so preoccupied with my brain chemistry that he can't see through that and to all of my good qualities.

All I want to do is be happy in my marriage.  Isn't that what everybody wants, whether they're Autistic or neurotypical?

Next time, I really hope he asks me about my brain instead of asking my fiance, and next time I hope he gets to know me before expressing his concerns about how an Autistic person could possibly exist independently in the world.

How To Study For Exams

I actually enjoy tests.  Sure, I find them stressful -- sometimes really stressful -- but I usually do well and I do enjoy how satisfying it feels to show my knowledge and succeed in something.  It feels really good to get a good mark -- even a decent mark -- and be proud of something I've accomplished.

Read the textbook.
This is a hard one for a lot of people, including me, but it's really important to read the textbook for your course if you're going to do ensure your success on the exam.  Here's the thing: someone decided that the textbook would be a good idea.  While it's clearly important to focus on what's been said during the class and going over your notes is absolutely effective, the textbook will give you more insight and it will probably help you.  Seriously.  Try it.

Do practice questions.
You don't even need to "do" them.  Just look at them.  Think about them.

Write it out.
Making notes is really effective when you want to get the information to stick in your head.  One of my favorite studying techniques is to write out all the pertinent information that I really want to make sure I remember when test time comes around.  Writing things out helps you have everything in your own words and makes you think about what you're learning so it's more apt to stay with you.  Also, it's a lot more effective to physically write things out than to type, since your brain responds well to the motor memory of having physically used your hands to write.

Flashcards.
Flashcards are really usefully memory aids, if you like quizzing yourself and have to memorize a lot for your test.  I love cue cards personally, but there are also a lot of great online flashcards that you can customize to your course material.

Talk it out with a friend.
This is one of my favorite techniques when I'm feeling like I know the material but need help to solidify it.  Talking with a friend not only helps you because you get time to practice explaining the concepts, but also exposes you to new ideas that might enhance your knowledge.

Look back at old tests.
Don't underestimate this one.  Seriously.  No matter how well you did on your previous tests, it's been a while, and it's a good idea to look at them and make sure you remember how to answer those types of question.

Productivity Has Taken A Back Seat

I have a paper due next Friday, an assignment due Thursday, plus I've been sick (and lazy) this week so I have a lot of schoolwork to catch up on.

I'd like to think I'm being productive, but that's absolutely not true.

I've got some stuff to write about (as always) but I'm trying to hold off on that until I can feel comfortable with my school situation.

Will be back!

I Don't Like Whiney People

I have a roommate who is constantly complaining.

I do love her, but in recent months she has really started to bother me, to the point that I often hide in my room when she's in the living room, and I really have a hard time focusing when she talks to me.

I've always had anxiety about social interaction, and it wasn't until high school that I felt comfortable interacting with people at all.  I had a few friends in high school and in university made a few more.  This roommate is one of the first true friends I made in university and she knows I have this difficulty with social interaction, so we used to seem like the perfect pair.

I used to have to debrief a lot after socializing.  This was the friend who helped me through my first relationship with a boy and who helped me understand how to be an Autistic creature in this neurotypical world.  She was so supportive of me when I stressed about having few friends and being confused by relationships in general.  She was the one I turned to when I had troubles (and I had a lot) with my ex-boyfriend.

But now, I've noticed that she's been complaining.  Constantly.  She complains about being busy.  She complains that her bedroom is too small.  She complains about her family.  She complains about her boyfriend.  She complains about her other friends.  She complains about her schoolwork.  She complains about her skin.  She complains about her hair.  She complains about her body.  She complains about how she's tired, or hungry, or full, or cold... whatever feeling she is having, she talks about it continuously.

I feel like she's become really negative and it's hard to stay positive around her.  In fact, being around her just brings me really "down."

I have a hard time relating to people to begin with, and when you add that whiney quality to every interaction with a person, it makes it really hard for me to want to socialize, let alone to actually do it.

I want to make this friendship work.  I want this friend to be in my life for a long time.

But I don't like whiney people, and it's really hard to be her friend right now.

Anger

Sometimes, I have a hard time controlling my anger.  And oftentimes, when I get really stressed, my brain converts my stress into anger instead of something more productive.

I don't like this about myself.  And I know the people I love don't like this about me.  

I don't know how to change that, but I'd like to learn.

Tumblr & Happiness & The West Wing & De-Stressing

This weekend, I will explain the many ways autism has effected this week of my life and the discrimination I've had to deal with in the last few days.  

But for now, I'm trying to be calm and happy.  I have an exam tomorrow that I am trying my best to study for.  

I love this tumblr site and it was recently updated!  It is called "Little West Wing Things" and it is for fans of the amazing show The West Wing and basically posts little quotations or concepts from the show that make me (and other West Wing lovers) happy.  

  

  

Those were some recent additions to the site that made me smile.  

If you're a West Wing fan, you'll probably like this tumblr.  

If you're not a West Wing fan, you probably should be.  The show celebrates smart individuals and smart dialogue.  The show tackles complicated and multi-faceted issues.  I love it.  When I'm having a bad day, The West Wing is often my solace, and since I can't spare 44 minutes to watch an episode tonight, this tumblr is giving me a good few minutes of joy.  

A Good & Bad Day

Today I had a good day.  Today I had a bad day.  The good part of the day is chronicled first.  The bad part of the day is chronicled second.

I have always had issues with germs.
I have struggled with severe OCD since I was a kid and I've been taking Prozac for it since I was either 9 or 11 (can't remember).
Anyways, over the years, I've gotten better at touching things, but I still feel most comfortable when most everything is clean.  I struggled living with roommates for this very reason and I waited years to try living with others because I was afraid of how I would react to other people touching things and not cleaning them the way I would.
Today, my roommates and I had a cleaning party.  We ordered pizza and cleaned the apartment.  Today, I cleaned the living room surfaces, oven, kitchen countertops, microwave, bathroom floor, bathroom sink, bathroom counter, and toilet.  Today, I scrubbed and scrubbed and now I'm feeling a lot better about those areas.  I'm also glad that my three other roommates pitched in and now our floors are clean, our dishes are all done, and the whole place is vacuumed.  I don't really know what else has been done, but I know things have been done and that makes me feel good.

Also today, a good friend has been complaining a lot.  I hate complainers.  I really do.  I really struggle to deal with my own mental health when others around me -- others who geuninely are a lot better off than me -- are complaining and complaining and complaining and complaining for no apparent reason.  I know that anxiety is personal but when you take every little thing and choose to fixate on something just to get sympathy -- which is what I believe is going on here -- I get really upset.  Maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture.  Maybe I'm not understanding.  Maybe there is more going on here than superficial anxiety about a school situation.  But it looks like she is using the excuse of "anxiety" to get out of a mistake she made in school that might get her into some trouble.  As a person who has been struggling for years and who has been to doctor after doctor for treatment of my anxiety, I really don't like it when people take my diagnosis and throw it around like it's something so mundane.  Anxiety is crippling.  Anxiety is not something to justify constant complaining.  

Being Assertive

It is really hard for me to be assertive.
It stresses me out.  I have an actual physical reaction to it.
In front of my closest friends and closest family, I am able to assert my true feelings.  And yet, even then, being assertive is really difficult.  I usually break down crying after confronting somebody.
I hate being assertive.  I hate being assertive, and yet it stresses me out to reveal what I want and stand up for myself.
I'm not sure if it's a confidence issue.  I'm not sure if it's a social issue.  I don't know why I don't like being assertive, but being assertive always makes me anxious.

The Story of My First Boyfriend & Dating Can Be Scary

About a year ago, I was in a relationship with a young man.  This young man was my first boyfriend.  Our relationship was not particularly long-lived and -- frankly -- should not have lasted as long as it did.  I had never been in a romantic relationship before and I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be like.  I suppose I was glad that somebody found me attractive.

This young man and I never spent a lot of time together.  We rarely communicated.  He was hardly the one person I would confide my secrets to, nor was I to him.  We were just "dating" as they do in university, something I'd never experienced before and something -- to be perfectly honest -- I didn't enjoy as much as I probably should have.  I should have been pickier.  I should have seen the "deal-breakers."  I shouldn't have been so lenient.  I should have seen the signs and when I didn't like his behavior, I should have confronted him.  I was so scared to tell this young man how I felt.

I merely wanted a boyfriend.  I had never had one before, and it was exciting to have someone who -- at least some of the time -- wanted me.  Our feelings were never mutual and honestly mine were more of infatuation or lust than actual interest.  I was interested, I suppose, but I didn't know how to express that interest.  I didn't have the tools I needed to know how a romantic relationship is supposed to unfold.

He was the one who broke up with me, and it wasn't a surprise.  I was dreading it because I wanted to have him as my boyfriend because I thought I loved him, even though it turned out that I actually kind of despised him.  I just had this fascination with him, you see.  I wanted someone, and he's just the one who ended up in my life.

It has been nearly a year since we broke up and so much has changed.

I now know what true love is.  I now know what true support is.  I now am with a person who makes me immensely comfortable.  I am with a person now who doesn't make me anxious or ashamed of who I am.  I am with a person who is good for me.  I am with a person who brings out the best in me.  I am with a person who trusts me and who I trust.  I am with a person I don't have to make compromises for.

The point of this history is to really emphasize that -- when I was nineteen years old and in my first romantic relationship -- I didn't know what "dating" was and I didn't know how to handle it productively.  I have never been excellent in social situations and the one-on-one of dating with all the pressures that it comes with was absolutely overwhelming for me, a "Young Autistic Female" who'd never so much as looked a boy in the eyes.  Dating was scary.  Dating was hugely and immensely scary.  I rushed through dating that first young man with such fervor and frustration because I didn't know whether I was doing it right and I was constantly second-guessing myself.  I was terrified.

The advice I've received subsequently about dating has been invaluable.  I am so thankful to the many friends and family members who have stepped forward to explain dating and relationships to me and who have made sure that I'm safe and comfortable.  Because dating can be dangerous and frightening if you don't know what you're doing.  And I really hope -- for all the other girls out there -- that there's someone to teach you how to date safely and comfortably.

I'm thinking of doing a quick series on this.  Maybe I'll share some "tips" I learned about dating and relationships.

Anyways, I just wanted to impart that dating can be scary -- for everyone, regardless of whether you are Autistic or neurotypical.  And if you need a little bit more education on dating and relationships, that's absolutely OK as well.

Food Stress

Food is really stressful for me.
Making it.  Eating it.  There are a lot of foods I dislike and a lot of foods I simply can't stand the consistency of.  It's really challenging for me to make food as well because I have a lot of anxiety about cleanliness, and cleaning up after cooking and keeping my food clean is always of great concern.  Plus, the time it takes to cook has never been something I've been particularly keen on.
Food is stressful.
But when I don't eat properly -- when I don't have a near-perfect balance of vitamins and minerals -- I act differently.  I get more "Autistic" when I have low blood sugar.  I can't control myself when I haven't eaten.
I'm moving this week and -- for the first time -- I'm going to be cooking for myself.
I'm going to be forced to fend for myself regarding food for, basically, the first time.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I bought lunch at Subway today, but starting tomorrow, it looks like I'll be cooking myself.  If I can bring myself to cook.
It's a goal, I guess.  Two homemade meals a day -- a simple lunch and a slightly-more-complex-but-still-simple dinner.  Plus snacks because I need and love snacks.  And Diet Coke to drink.  Also: water.  I require a lot of water.
I started taking an online course about cooking and nutrition to encourage me to be more interested in cooking for myself.  It seems -- so far -- to be working, because after watching all the syllabus videos for the week this morning, I'm almost itching to get into the kitchen and try out a vegetable stirfry.  I like vegetable stirfry, so I hope I like making it.
My boyfriend tells me I "change" when I haven't eaten properly, and so I know it's important -- for my behavior and my mental health -- that I eat, and that I don't just eat "junk" that's easy to get my hands on.  It's just been tough to encourage myself to do so, up until now.
Wish me luck?
I'll post more about cooking once I start.

Schedules Are Important (To Me)

I wake up.  I go to class.  I eat breakfast.  I go back to class.  I treadmill.  I go swimming with my friend.  I go to the grocery store to pick up my prescriptions and also some snacks.  I come back home.  I eat lunch.  I sit alone for 5 or 6 hours.  I watch TV - probably The West Wing.  I check my internets - my email, tumblr, etc.  I go buy more food.  Maybe I text message a few people.  I eat dinner and have my meds.  I am skyped by my mother or grandmother.  I probably text message again.  I maybe do some homework.  I make a schedule for the next day.  I make some lists.  I read things that probably aren’t important but feel important at the time.  I have my soda if I haven’t had it already.  I maybe watch some more TV.  Maybe I check my email again.  Maybe I finish homework.  In preparation for bed, I clean my room - Lysol my surfaces and electronics.  I plan my schedule for the next day and pack my bag appropriately.  I brush my teeth.  I shower.  I climb in bed.  Maybe I watch a bit of relaxing TV, probably Frasier or some old Vlogbrothers videos on Youtube.  I sleep.  

I need a schedule.  I need a plan.  I get so anxious without a plan.  That’s something my friends don’t understand.  My friends don’t understand that I cannot function without a plan.  I need to know what is happening with me and with other people in order to feel comfortable and sane.  So right now I’m happy because I know what I’m doing tomorrow.  It’ll be hard tomorrow, when unexpected things change.  I hope I can get a bagel for breakfast.  If there aren’t bagels, that might be difficult.  I hope I can get soup for lunch.  If there isn’t soup, I might not handle that well.  

I’m old enough and self-aware enough that I see and understand my limitations.  I cannot spend more than a few hours of “social time” per day.  And that’s difficult.  I wish sometimes that it would be easier for me.  Or, maybe, what I wish is that people would understand what I need.

I Don't Like Change

I am a methodical person.  I live each and every day in the same way.  When I make deviations from my schedule, they are only after careful and precise planning.  I want to know where I will be and what I will be doing at every moment.  This is the only way I can feel secure.  And I even have a compulsion to know what other people are doing during my planned activities.  That bothers my friends, I know, but it's not something that I am capable of changing.  I've been told to and asked to, but my brain is my brain and I can't bring myself to be all right with such uncertainty.  It makes my heart rate shoot up, it makes my speech pattern change, it makes my hands shake and my arms flap and my body rock back and forth or side to side.

I get anxious when plans change.  I don't understand why plans change.  It's a strange thing, really, because I am twenty years old and intellectually I accept that there is entropy in the world and some things are bound to change, but when it happens I still revert to almost a state of shock.

I have a letter from a doctor which states that I am "resistant to change" and that is "due to diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome."

It's hard on me though.  I have spent my whole life aware that I like to be "in the loop," but invariably one day something will change and I will find myself floundering in space and time, unprepared for an uncertain future.  I detest little changes, and larger changes frighten me to the extent that it is currently midnight and I am lying in bed, unable to sleep, because I don't know what my future will hold.  I don't know where I'll be at 1:00 PM tomorrow afternoon, and that frightens me.  I don't know where my friends will be or where my family will be.  I don't know who they will be with and what they will be doing.  I am suppressing the urge to phone right now, to ask, and to make somebody promise to be at a certain place, so there will at least be some semblance of understanding of the future.

Spontaneity terrifies me.