Circadian Rhythm

Today I am so thankful for the Circadian Rhythm.
The Circadian Rhythm is a body response that regulates a series of basal actions, including the sleep cycle.  Despite my three years of a science degree, I don't remember a whole lot about the Circadian Rhythm, but I know that part of it is the body's "internal clock."
And I am so thankful.
I've been working a lot of evenings recently, and I had a night shift Wednesday that I haven't fully recovered from.  I've also been working every day, many hours a day.  Plus I'm entering the last weekend of a course that I'm taking, which is really stressing me out because I haven't had the chance to do all my work yet.  I still have a few things to study and 15 pages of a paper to write!  I am really paranoid about the paper, but I'm also exhausted.
I'm trying to fight the Circadian Rhythm - I have been trying to do so since I got off work at midnight on Tuesday and then when I stayed up all night to work on Wednesday.  But I'm so tired.  I'm so tired, and I have to work tomorrow morning.
I crave sleep.
Thank you, Circadian Rhythm, for reminding me that sleep is good.

Loneliness

There is this perception that Autistics like to be alone.  Perhaps it is because we so often create our own worlds that we feel most comfortable in.  Perhaps it is because we enjoy our solitude.  Perhaps it is because loud noises and large groups of people make us uncomfortable.  All those things are reasons I like my "alone time," but it is also very true that I need my "social time" as well.

I like people.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I don't.  I guess it is more accurate to say that I like certain people.  My best friends, I like them.  I like many of the people I have classes with.  Some of my classmates I don't like so much.  I like many of my boyfriend's family members, his roommates, his church community.  I like the role models I've sought out for myself.  I like some of the people I work with.

While it is true that after a particularly stressful day, I'd love to just go home and sit by myself and do nothing at all, I didn't have a stressful day today and now I need some social interaction.  Today, I went to work, sat at my desk, and watched the clock.  Today, I wanted to leave all day because I was tired and bored.  But when 4.00 came around, my coworker asked if I was leaving and I had to think about it -- because I used to live near my boyfriend, but now I live an hour away.  I just moved yesterday and that was incredibly stressful.  And now I don't want to be here.  I don't want to be by myself.  I am incredibly lonely, sitting in this huge apartment all by myself.  I wish there were other people around to talk to, but instead I've got nothing but the whir of my fan to keep me company.  I know my boyfriend would rather I stop calling him in tears saying I miss him, and I know my mother-in-law would rather I stop texting her and lamenting about how alone and depressed I feel.  I know this.  And yet, this is the place I am in today.

I am incredibly anxious about the lack of cleanliness of my new apartment, but I cannot bring myself to clean today.  No, today I can merely sit and think and wonder and fear.  Today, I miss my boyfriend too much.  Today, I cannot bring myself to do anything productive.

Today, I have eaten a muffin and some macaroni.  Today, I have drank a 591 mL bottle of Diet Coke.  I am essentially too depressed to eat or drink.

I cleaned one fridge last night at 3 AM and the other is half-cleaned now.  I have to do my dishes and clean the bathroom, as well as clean my entire bedroom top to bottom before I can start to unpack.  Yesterday, I cleaned the walls and a few surfaces before I made my bed.  Today, my bed is clean but that's about it.  I need to sterilize my desk, closet, drawers, and then I need to unpack.

I'm watching this documentary only because I want to watch something at least sort of educational and the sound from the proper television is too loud for my ears to handle right now.  I am having a really hard time dealing with all the new sensory experiences in this apartment; the sound of the upstairs neighbor walking around, the smells coming from the different parts of the living room and kitchen, the burnt out light bulb in the bathroom, and the itchy fabric on the couches.

I hope this gets easier.

I feel "bottom of my soul lonely" today.

My Brain Works Differently

I have started working as a 1:1 respite worker for a child with Autism, among other diagnoses.
I spent a significant portion of my youth around Autistics.  I grew up around autism.  I know autism.  I am Autistic.
When my boyfriend and I get in arguments over little misunderstandings -- such as his use of metaphorical language that confuses me as to its meaning -- I remind him that my brain works differently than his brain.  I tell him "I can't possibly understand how your brain works and you can't possibly understand how my brain works."  I remind him that I think differently than him.
This little boy I work with now, his brain works differently than mine.  Our brains work similarly, of course, but our life experiences are completely unique of one another.  He is a great kid and he is a lot of fun to spend time with, but his brain is unlike mine.  Or, rather, sometimes our brains are completely in sync and other times, you couldn't possibly believe we are both diagnosed under the Autism umbrella.
That's the thing that's so impressive to me: the word "autism" describes such an incredibly broad spectrum of individuals.  And while I am so similar to so many Autistics, I am now seeing -- every day -- how different I am from other Autistics.  I am so incredibly aware, right now, that not only are neurotypical brains different from Autistic brains, but all Autistic brains are also unique.  No Autistic think exactly like another.  No two Autistics have the same brain.
My brain works differently, I'm aware of that.  My brain works differently than my neurotypical boyfriend's brain.  But my brain also works differently than other Autistics' brains.
We are all unique.

Autistic at Work

I love my job.

Or, rather, jobs.  

I have two jobs
I love them.  I love them because they keep me entertained, are sometimes fun, and - of course - because I get paid to do work I enjoy.
But sometimes, work can be overwhelming.
A lot of Autistics struggle in the workforce, and in that regard, I'd consider myself quite lucky.  I've never had too much difficulty finding a job I like; my difficulty has always been with balancing the stress of work with the stress of scheduling and the stress I already have (which is increased by the fact that I suffer from tons of anxiety disorders to begin with and difficulty with transitions is enhanced by my Autism).
I love having a job, but today - my first day off in a long time - is such a blessing.  The last few days have been horrible; I've been "blowing up" at everybody I know - even my boyfriend, who I love so much - and I've been really "short" with everyone.  I am so glad I have a rest and relaxation day to recharge myself and plan the next few weeks out so I know exactly what's coming.  

Brand New Monday

This weekend was difficult; I worked between six and eight hours every day and had very little time to spend alone or with my boyfriend.
I love having a schedule, but it's hard when the schedule has to be condensed into the three hours between 6.00 and 9.00 PM, instead of something we can work at all day.
Church on Sunday was excellent, as always.  I'm really loving this new church community I've recently become a part of.  I love attending church with my boyfriend and his extended family.  I am really finding a lot of strength in my faith recently.
But now it's Monday and I have a long stretch of week in front of me with no respite.  I'm scared of the days that lie ahead.  I have become increasingly anxious in recent weeks, and while my anxiety comes in waves, I'm not confident that this ebb and flow pattern is good for me.  I either am in a high anxiety place or in a place where I have anxiety that I'll soon be in a high anxiety place.
I'm in a high anxiety place now because I'm afraid of the week ahead.
I'm scared of six hours of work today.  I'm hoping I can be successful.  I'm hoping everything goes well.
I'm upset with a woman I sort-of know for saying something rude yesterday evening that I just can't get out of my head.
I'm nervous because I don't know what I'm having for dinner tonight.
I'm nervous because I should make a doctor and dentist appointment but haven't had the chance to do so because I've been too busy.
I'm anxious about some school assignments I need to get done in the next few days, assignments I have absolutely no time for in my already-packed schedule.
I'm annoyed that I didn't plan my time better before this weekend.
I'm hungry, and I'm disappointed that I've been satiating all my 'hungry' cravings with store-bought chocolate chip cookies that can't be very good for me and aren't really that filling either.
There is a stack of laundry I have to do, but I'm not in the mood for it now.
For six hours today, I have to interact with people for my job.  Tomorrow, I work an even more social 12-hr shift at my other job.
And even though today is a brand new day, I'm still saddled with all of yesterday's anxiety, which seems to have been piling up for weeks and weeks on end.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Today is a brand new Monday.  This week will be better than last week.

First Day of Work

Today was my first day of work.
It went surprisingly well.
I was nervous when I had to spend a long time talking with co-workers and I was not impressed by the fact that at lunchtime I am forced to sit in the staff room with everybody else.  But otherwise, things went well.
The first day of something is always scary for me.  I think it's always scary for most people.
I've got some life anxieties and I'm nervous about a few things, but I'm glad I've got some amazing people around me to support me in my crazy.