Friday, 1 March 2013

"Gut Feelings"

I have a friend who can quite accurately understand every scenario she finds herself in.  It's an admirable skill.  It's a skill I sometimes wish I had.
She calls it a "gut feeling," which is an absurd term but refers to a really interesting phenomenon that is actually quite a bit more common than I once believed.  When my friend undergoes something significant, she can instantly distinguish whether her situation is good or bad.  She can come up with a response to it right away.  She just feels what is going on.  She doesn't need to ask any questions or rely on the help or explanations of others; she just knows.  She says it's her "gut feeling."
I don't have gut feelings.  When I'm confused, I let the world know.  I let the world take my problems and I ask for understanding.  It took me a long time to accept that, in social situations particularly, I often find myself utterly clueless.  It took me years after that realization to decide that it was all right to ask for help.
Sometimes, it seems as if I am at the mercy of other peoples' opinions.  I know all "gut feelings" aren't accurate, which is frightening, because sometimes I rely on my friend and her "gut feelings" to help guide me to make decisions.  Sometimes, I think one thing but will completely abandon my understanding when told to by someone I trust.
I don't know why I do it.  I don't know if it's an autistic thing or just a human thing.
Maybe I just don't have strong convictions.  Maybe I just don't know exactly what I want or what is good for me.
Sometimes, I can be so certain of something and then I hear it someone's opposing opinion, and suddenly my opinion changes to mirror theirs.
I'm having a lot of uncertainty recently.  I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety.
Maybe I need someone to stand up for me.  Maybe I need someone who's on my side.
I just wish there was a way to know for certain what is right.
Sometimes, situations are too complicated for my autistic brain.