Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Shampoo

I had a meltdown yesterday in a Save-On grocery store because I had to buy shampoo and I was afraid I couldn't afford it.  I could afford it.  I just didn't make that connection in my head.  And I had a pretty frightening meltdown that scared me.  I was so scared that I phoned my mother amidst my panicking.  She helped me calm down a bit, and then later, my boyfriend reminded me that there was nothing to worry about.
I hate anxiety.  I hate how anxiety can completely disable me in a fraction of a second and I suddenly feel like someone so far removed from myself.

I have a lot of things I want to talk about here, but today, I'm still in fear after my shampoo meltdown. I'm scared of the way I felt.  I'm scared of how helpless I became.  I'm scared of the amount of worry that was so suddenly in my system.  And I'm afraid of ever feeling that way again.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Challenges

I've been challenging myself a lot recently.
Challenging myself in my relationship.
Challenging myself in my friendships.
Challenging myself in my family.
Challenging myself socially.
Challenging myself spiritually.
Challenging myself occupationally.
Challenging myself physically.
Unfortunately, despite filling my proverbial plate with thousands and thousands of things that I'd like to get done in an ideal world, it's becoming harder and harder to actually accomplish anything I set out to do.
I have so many things that I want out of life, but I'm so scared of so many of them.
I have so many things that I love to do or would love to try to do, but I'm afraid.
I have so many people I want to know better or people with whom I want to renew friendships.  I have so many people I want to share my joys with but I also don't want to disappoint.
I don't exactly know what it is that I want to accomplish at the end of all of this, and that's probably  the most frustrating thing.  It's confusing.  It's stressful.  Some days, all I want to do is lie on my floor and watch Youtube or CNN and nap.  Sometimes, I plan out the perfect day but then get sidetracked by something else and eventually find myself stressing that nature disrupted my plan.  Some days it feels as though I have all the time in the world and the next it seems like I have too many things to do in too few hours.
I want to contribute to the world.  I want to make the people I love happy.  I want my parents to be proud of me.  I want my friends to feel trusted by me.  I want everyone in my world to be content with the person that I am.
And achieving all of that is going to remain quite the challenge.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Feeling Anxious

For a lot of people, Asperger's Syndrome comes with a need for a consistent plan.  I definitely fit in that category of Autistics; I NEED a plan in order to function.
I need to know what I am doing today.  I need to know what must be done.  I need to know what I want to be done.  I need to know what others want to do.  And then, after all of that, I need to adjust my schedule to fit everything together.
I have a small calendar on my desk which outlines the required activities of each day as well as my work schedule.  I know that, if I'm not working, I'll spend my afternoon with my boyfriend.  I know we'll either play board games or watch TV or play tennis.  I know, after that, we'll cook dinner and eat together.
I've been anxious even with my calendar lately.  It's kind of scaring me.
I don't do well with anxiety.  And when I've been anxious a lot, I start getting anxious that I will get anxious.  Which is absurdly absurd.  Because anxiety is such a vague thing, it makes me feel completely useless for being anxious about anxiety.  I mean, I really should be anxious about *something* if I'm going to be anxious at all, right?
I take medications which are supposed to make me less anxious.  I don't know if they work.  All I know is that I've been incredibly anxious today and I'm not sure why.
Any tips would be appreciated.
How do you deal with anxiety?

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

First Day of Work

Today was my first day of work.
It went surprisingly well.
I was nervous when I had to spend a long time talking with co-workers and I was not impressed by the fact that at lunchtime I am forced to sit in the staff room with everybody else.  But otherwise, things went well.
The first day of something is always scary for me.  I think it's always scary for most people.
I've got some life anxieties and I'm nervous about a few things, but I'm glad I've got some amazing people around me to support me in my crazy.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Meeting New People

In the last few months, I've met a lot of new people.
I started going to a new church with my boyfriend.  My boyfriend has been going to this church for many years and he is definitely more of a "people person" than me.  He is very comfortable with their tight-knit church community.
I love my boyfriend and I find it a lot easier to be comfortable in crowds with him "leading" me.  I can't say I really "enjoy" meeting new people, but with him at my side, I feel much more confident.
So, in the last three or so months at church, I've been relatively comfortable meeting a lot of people at church.
In the last few months, I've also met a few members of my boyfriend's extended family.  It is sometimes a lot of pressure when I really want someone to like me but I'm scared they won't.  I'm a difficult person to get to know.  I have quirks and my quirks are accentuated when I'm nervous or anxious.  I know this because I stim a lot more when I'm having a bad day or even just a bad moment. It can be embarrassing when I "freak out" in front of other people, especially people I want to make a good impression on.  I'm afraid of crying or melting down or basically showing any side of myself that isn't the prim and proper persona I try to put on.  And of course, that just makes me more nervous.
Eye contact is hard, for example.  The people I am meeting will eventually be my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, and I feel like I need to look them in the eyes.
My boyfriend told me that I didn't look him in the eye at all during our first date.  I have since shared lots of eye contact with him, but it's really hard for me, and he respects that.  He is really good at accepting me, even with what some people might perceive as flaws, but I'm worried that other people won't see me the way I want them to.
Meeting new people is hard for me.  That's all I'm trying to say.  I really do try my best, but it's tough.

Monday, 3 June 2013

Special Interests, Part II

I'm sharing my special interests again!  And that one special interest that far exceeds the rest?  My love of names, of course!
I like names.  When I'm having a tough day, it really helps me to write a list of names.  I have an organizational structure for it.
I like coming up with names.  I like grouping names that sound good together into "families."  I like pairing first, middle, and last names.  I like the patterns and shapes that the letters make when they fit perfectly together into a nice-sounding name.


Here is one of the name lists I've been working on.  It's an extensive list that groups thousands of full names into combinations of 2 parents and five children.  I also detail pronunciations and nicknames.

I like names.