Frustrated by Ignorance (& Pre-Marital Counselling)

Why am I crying right now?

My fiance just called me.  He'd been called to "pre-marital counselling detention" (as I called it), but more specifically, our pastor had asked to have a private meeting with him.  We've both been speculating for a few days over what would be discussed in this meeting.  We had a lot of ideas.  But we were totally wrong.

He wanted to talk about my Asperger's.

I wasn't even there (he specifically asked my fiance to meet him privately) to discuss my brain.

I haven't gotten the whole story yet, but I'm upset about that.  I'm upset because, frankly, I don't know if he would know that I was Autistic if my fiance and I had not disclosed it to him, a long time ago.  He's strangely preoccupied with my brain though and at our other pre-marital counselling meeting, he asked about it a lot.  I don't mind when people ask questions about my brain, but I'm not keen on people asking questions about my brain from people who don't know what they're talking about.

My fiance knows a lot about me and a bit about autism, but he's not the expert.  If anyone's the expert, it's ME.

What did the pastor ask about?  Well, he just mentioned to my fiance that marriage spiced with Asperger's will have its own unique challenges and life might be hard for us.  But isn't life hard for everybody?

He said that - since I apparently give less facial information than neurotypical people - I might in some way hinder my children's development.  WHAT?  My fiance and I really look forward to having kids, so this definitely peeved me.  I don't want to hear this man's backward explanation of my brain and how he thinks I'll somehow screw up my children because I apparently don't have an expressive face!  That is absurd and judgmental and makes me feel really bad about myself.

He also suggested that we visit a medical doctor (as a couple) to talk about Asperger's.  As if I've never visited a doctor about my brain before.  As if I've never seen a neurologist.  As if I haven't had years of cognitive behavior therapy.  As if I haven't seen all the specialists in pediatric autism Toronto, Ontario (at SickKids, CAMH, Geneva... I've seen them all).  As if I haven't read books and befriended other Autistic kids and been in special education and gone to extracurricular programs with other Autistic people.  I KNOW HOW AUTISM WORKS.  And even more than that, I'd like to say that I'm the most knowledgeable person about my own brain.

I fully think it would be great if my fiance had a better understanding of autism, but I think it's more important that he understands me, and I'd like to think that when he looks at me he sees more than a diagnosis I received at nine years of age.  I can't go back and "fix" my brain or change it in some way so I don't have this condition.  This is how I was built and I'm OK with that.  I actually like my brain and don't see it as a liability.  But when people like this pastor treat it like it's some sort of huge problem and obstacle that we have to overcome, it makes me feel really inadequate, like autism is a bad thing.

Autism is not a bad thing.

Autism is not a punishment.  Not for me and certainly not for my fiance.  Autism is a small portion of my life and an even smaller portion of his life.

When my fiance mentioned that the pastor said he should find a support group for other people married to Autistic individuals, I thought that was a good idea, but I retorted back that I want a support group for Autistic people married to neurotypicals, because even though I know I can be annoying sometimes, neurotypical people can definitely be an annoyance to me.

I am smart enough to see ignorance when it is near me, and frankly this small town I currently live in is full of it.  I'm really frustrated that this man is so preoccupied with my brain chemistry that he can't see through that and to all of my good qualities.

All I want to do is be happy in my marriage.  Isn't that what everybody wants, whether they're Autistic or neurotypical?

Next time, I really hope he asks me about my brain instead of asking my fiance, and next time I hope he gets to know me before expressing his concerns about how an Autistic person could possibly exist independently in the world.

Me, My Fiance, and My Autism: Part 1

My fiance is the love of my life.  I adore him for many reasons, and sometimes the cardinal reason I love him is that he puts up with my "crazy."

Note: I started this post with the intention that it would be a positive picture of my relationship and the small part of it that is my neurochemistry, but every time he and I argue about something, it all seems to come back to the fact that we don't think in the same way, and that is what causes our conflicts.  I love my fiance so much and want our relationship to be perfect.  I will do anything to make our relationship successful.  And yet sometimes I feel so unequipped because my brain doesn't work the same way his does.  Sometimes I just need reassurance that we can be happy and successful, fifty years from now, even though our neurons behave in different ways.  So this will be "Part 1" in a series about Me, My Fiance, and My Autism.

I knew that, in order for any romantic relationship to work, I would need to be upfront and honest about my autism.  I had been in disastrous relationships before that were unhealthy and unproductive and downright unpleasant, and I knew that for a relationship to work, I would need to be completely honest about who I am and what I need.  My first breakup was really hard on me (even though the guy was completely wrong for me, but of course I couldn't see that then) and I definitely didn't want to go through another miserable breakup again.

When I first met my fiance, we talked a lot.  We used to talk on the phone, actually, and I remember telling him in one of our earliest conversations that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was young.  I was surprised when he just sort of brushed over it and didn't make it into a big deal.  For so long, I had been ashamed of my autism, so the fact that my partner was okay with it made me feel much more confident to be myself and not to try to hide my real personality from him.

I think this is going to be a pretty long series about Me, My Fiance, and My Autism.  I will try to discuss conflict, how we make our relationship work, how we support each other, how we respond to what is important with the other person...  If you're particularly interested in any of the above, please let me know -- I haven't started writing any of them and they're all up in my head somewhere, but that's it for the moment.

Also: I would love to answer questions about my relationship and my autism.  If anyone has anything they would like to ask, please go ahead!  

I'm Not Always Clueless

This is kind of an important post.

Well, for me it's an important post.

For me, it's an important concept.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 9 years old.  I have been Autistic my whole life.  I was Autistic yesterday, I am Autistic today, and I will be Autistic tomorrow.  That is not a difficult thing for most people to understand.

Being Autistic has challenges.  People understand that.

Sometimes, I don't understand everything that's said to me, or everything that happens around me.  Sometimes I need a bit of extra help.  People understand this.  

And that's lovely.  Most of the time.

There are a lot of people who know I am Autistic and then think I need everything to be explained to me.  I get really upset because of this, sometimes.  Especially when I know what has happened, and then someone tries to explain it to me, and explains it completely differently than the way I see it in my head.  Especially when they tell me I'm wrong and they're right because my brain works differently, so obviously

I'm not saying I'm always right.  I know I make mistakes.  And I know I sometimes do need help.

But when I need help, I will ask.  Please understand this.  Please know that I will ask for help when I need it.

I don't like it when people treat me like I am oblivious to everything around me.  I fully admit that I miss a lot of things and sometimes need things explained to me further, but I don't like it when people treat me like I don't know anything about what is going on around me.

It's a difficult balance and it's something I still don't know how to articulate, but I don't like it when people assume they know more than me, just because I'm Autistic.  Even if it's about a social situation and even though we all know I'm not the best at social situations, I still don't want other people to assume they know better or need to teach me.

*end of rant*

I Don't Like Whiney People

I have a roommate who is constantly complaining.

I do love her, but in recent months she has really started to bother me, to the point that I often hide in my room when she's in the living room, and I really have a hard time focusing when she talks to me.

I've always had anxiety about social interaction, and it wasn't until high school that I felt comfortable interacting with people at all.  I had a few friends in high school and in university made a few more.  This roommate is one of the first true friends I made in university and she knows I have this difficulty with social interaction, so we used to seem like the perfect pair.

I used to have to debrief a lot after socializing.  This was the friend who helped me through my first relationship with a boy and who helped me understand how to be an Autistic creature in this neurotypical world.  She was so supportive of me when I stressed about having few friends and being confused by relationships in general.  She was the one I turned to when I had troubles (and I had a lot) with my ex-boyfriend.

But now, I've noticed that she's been complaining.  Constantly.  She complains about being busy.  She complains that her bedroom is too small.  She complains about her family.  She complains about her boyfriend.  She complains about her other friends.  She complains about her schoolwork.  She complains about her skin.  She complains about her hair.  She complains about her body.  She complains about how she's tired, or hungry, or full, or cold... whatever feeling she is having, she talks about it continuously.

I feel like she's become really negative and it's hard to stay positive around her.  In fact, being around her just brings me really "down."

I have a hard time relating to people to begin with, and when you add that whiney quality to every interaction with a person, it makes it really hard for me to want to socialize, let alone to actually do it.

I want to make this friendship work.  I want this friend to be in my life for a long time.

But I don't like whiney people, and it's really hard to be her friend right now.

Friendship Sadness

I got really depressed about my friendships today.

In the last few months, I feel as though I've really neglected my friends.  I didn't have many friends to begin with and now I feel like I really don't have any friends at all.

I live with three other young women, but we don't really spend that much quality together.  I don't often want to spend time with others - I really don't like the process of making friends - but I like having friends when I want to spend time with them.

It's hard to have friends when, like me, you hate making friends.

But I feel like I need to work on that.  I feel like I need to make some good friends and repair some old friendships that have dropped down to mere acquaintanceships.

I am sad.  I feel alone here.

I Am Capable

Do not ever let anyone tell you that you are not capable of something just because you are Autistic.  

Today, I saw a young Autistic woman -- barely a year older than me -- discriminated against by community workers just because of her Autism diagnosis.  Let me assure you, this woman is kind, well-meaning, persistent, competent, intelligent, and CAPABLE.  This woman is no different than any other human, and yet the way these professionals spat the word "Autism" -- as if it was some terrible disease or something that made her "less" -- made her seem incredibly "other" even though she clearly was not.  

It disheartened me that these well-educated people are so uneducated about autism and what it means to be Autistic.  

All Autistics are different.  Some Autistics need more assistance than others.  But regardless, we are all human, we all deserve dignity, and we are all capable.  We are individuals with a diagnosis of a neurological condition, not an illness or disability.  We are not ill.  We are quite able.  

It scares me to know that people -- especially community workers who should really know better -- think Autism is this terrible and scary thing and don't even try to get to know Autistic individuals.  As it goes, "Autism isn't a tragedy; Ignorance is the tragedy."  Yeah, I'd agree that's true.  Ignorance is also incredibly frustrating.  

Please don't be ignorant.  Please don't believe that all Autistics are the same or that an Autism diagnosis precludes an individual from certain rights and responsibilities.  

(I think the illustration above is just kind of silly.  I found it on Google).  

I am capable.  

Autistics are capable.  

The Story of My First Boyfriend & Dating Can Be Scary

About a year ago, I was in a relationship with a young man.  This young man was my first boyfriend.  Our relationship was not particularly long-lived and -- frankly -- should not have lasted as long as it did.  I had never been in a romantic relationship before and I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be like.  I suppose I was glad that somebody found me attractive.

This young man and I never spent a lot of time together.  We rarely communicated.  He was hardly the one person I would confide my secrets to, nor was I to him.  We were just "dating" as they do in university, something I'd never experienced before and something -- to be perfectly honest -- I didn't enjoy as much as I probably should have.  I should have been pickier.  I should have seen the "deal-breakers."  I shouldn't have been so lenient.  I should have seen the signs and when I didn't like his behavior, I should have confronted him.  I was so scared to tell this young man how I felt.

I merely wanted a boyfriend.  I had never had one before, and it was exciting to have someone who -- at least some of the time -- wanted me.  Our feelings were never mutual and honestly mine were more of infatuation or lust than actual interest.  I was interested, I suppose, but I didn't know how to express that interest.  I didn't have the tools I needed to know how a romantic relationship is supposed to unfold.

He was the one who broke up with me, and it wasn't a surprise.  I was dreading it because I wanted to have him as my boyfriend because I thought I loved him, even though it turned out that I actually kind of despised him.  I just had this fascination with him, you see.  I wanted someone, and he's just the one who ended up in my life.

It has been nearly a year since we broke up and so much has changed.

I now know what true love is.  I now know what true support is.  I now am with a person who makes me immensely comfortable.  I am with a person now who doesn't make me anxious or ashamed of who I am.  I am with a person who is good for me.  I am with a person who brings out the best in me.  I am with a person who trusts me and who I trust.  I am with a person I don't have to make compromises for.

The point of this history is to really emphasize that -- when I was nineteen years old and in my first romantic relationship -- I didn't know what "dating" was and I didn't know how to handle it productively.  I have never been excellent in social situations and the one-on-one of dating with all the pressures that it comes with was absolutely overwhelming for me, a "Young Autistic Female" who'd never so much as looked a boy in the eyes.  Dating was scary.  Dating was hugely and immensely scary.  I rushed through dating that first young man with such fervor and frustration because I didn't know whether I was doing it right and I was constantly second-guessing myself.  I was terrified.

The advice I've received subsequently about dating has been invaluable.  I am so thankful to the many friends and family members who have stepped forward to explain dating and relationships to me and who have made sure that I'm safe and comfortable.  Because dating can be dangerous and frightening if you don't know what you're doing.  And I really hope -- for all the other girls out there -- that there's someone to teach you how to date safely and comfortably.

I'm thinking of doing a quick series on this.  Maybe I'll share some "tips" I learned about dating and relationships.

Anyways, I just wanted to impart that dating can be scary -- for everyone, regardless of whether you are Autistic or neurotypical.  And if you need a little bit more education on dating and relationships, that's absolutely OK as well.

First Day of School

Today is Thursday.  Today is my "first day of school."  Technically, classes started yesterday and kids have been moving in to campus all week.  But today was my first class.  I'm hardly new -- I've been here years -- but still, getting back into the swing of things after an amazing summer away from here is going to be hard.

I don't like large groups of people, but unfortunately, university campuses tend to be just large groups of people.

I've found the past few days have been really difficult in terms of the many people around.  I dislike that the nights have been full of screaming teenagers drinking alcohol outside.  I don't like rambunctious partiers -- on principle or in reality -- and I don't enjoy that the entire campus seems filled with them right now.

Right now, I'm able to find solace in my small corner of our apartment, in my bedroom.  Thankfully, I have bright and understanding roommates who don't mind that I have my fair share of quirks.  Thankfully, I enjoy school -- I'm good at school.  I like studying and learning.  I get good grades.

I'm thankful for the new gym on campus.  The treadmill has been really great in aiding my stress recently.  I am glad I have that.

Still, I miss the comforts of summer.  I hope things get easier for me, in terms of anxiety.

I'm so happy, but I'm also feeling really anxious for some reason.

My goodness.  I have 237 days left of school for this year.  I hope it goes smoothly.

Loneliness

There is this perception that Autistics like to be alone.  Perhaps it is because we so often create our own worlds that we feel most comfortable in.  Perhaps it is because we enjoy our solitude.  Perhaps it is because loud noises and large groups of people make us uncomfortable.  All those things are reasons I like my "alone time," but it is also very true that I need my "social time" as well.

I like people.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I don't.  I guess it is more accurate to say that I like certain people.  My best friends, I like them.  I like many of the people I have classes with.  Some of my classmates I don't like so much.  I like many of my boyfriend's family members, his roommates, his church community.  I like the role models I've sought out for myself.  I like some of the people I work with.

While it is true that after a particularly stressful day, I'd love to just go home and sit by myself and do nothing at all, I didn't have a stressful day today and now I need some social interaction.  Today, I went to work, sat at my desk, and watched the clock.  Today, I wanted to leave all day because I was tired and bored.  But when 4.00 came around, my coworker asked if I was leaving and I had to think about it -- because I used to live near my boyfriend, but now I live an hour away.  I just moved yesterday and that was incredibly stressful.  And now I don't want to be here.  I don't want to be by myself.  I am incredibly lonely, sitting in this huge apartment all by myself.  I wish there were other people around to talk to, but instead I've got nothing but the whir of my fan to keep me company.  I know my boyfriend would rather I stop calling him in tears saying I miss him, and I know my mother-in-law would rather I stop texting her and lamenting about how alone and depressed I feel.  I know this.  And yet, this is the place I am in today.

I am incredibly anxious about the lack of cleanliness of my new apartment, but I cannot bring myself to clean today.  No, today I can merely sit and think and wonder and fear.  Today, I miss my boyfriend too much.  Today, I cannot bring myself to do anything productive.

Today, I have eaten a muffin and some macaroni.  Today, I have drank a 591 mL bottle of Diet Coke.  I am essentially too depressed to eat or drink.

I cleaned one fridge last night at 3 AM and the other is half-cleaned now.  I have to do my dishes and clean the bathroom, as well as clean my entire bedroom top to bottom before I can start to unpack.  Yesterday, I cleaned the walls and a few surfaces before I made my bed.  Today, my bed is clean but that's about it.  I need to sterilize my desk, closet, drawers, and then I need to unpack.

I'm watching this documentary only because I want to watch something at least sort of educational and the sound from the proper television is too loud for my ears to handle right now.  I am having a really hard time dealing with all the new sensory experiences in this apartment; the sound of the upstairs neighbor walking around, the smells coming from the different parts of the living room and kitchen, the burnt out light bulb in the bathroom, and the itchy fabric on the couches.

I hope this gets easier.

I feel "bottom of my soul lonely" today.

My Favorite Way to Socialize

Scene: My boyfriend's living room

Characters: Me, my boyfriend, and his roommate

We're all playing video games.  I wouldn't say it's a common occurrence, but recently we've been playing Mario Party on the Wii.  It's a fun game and it's socially enjoyable.  I don't love video games, but the fact that this is basically a strategy board game played on a different interface.

This has become one of my favorite social activities.  I love spending time with my boyfriend but I do find time with others extremely stressful.  However, this is a great way to be social while also be distracted by something else that requires attention but isn't overstimulating.  I enjoy the game and I think the critical thinking  and strategy it requires takes up enough of my brainpower to keep me focused on the game instead of the socializing.

I absolutely have a hard time focusing on one thing.  I've always had a bit of a hyperactive mind.  However, for whatever reason, this activity is one that's currently working to calm my brain a bit and keep me on one enjoyable task.

Brand New Monday

This weekend was difficult; I worked between six and eight hours every day and had very little time to spend alone or with my boyfriend.
I love having a schedule, but it's hard when the schedule has to be condensed into the three hours between 6.00 and 9.00 PM, instead of something we can work at all day.
Church on Sunday was excellent, as always.  I'm really loving this new church community I've recently become a part of.  I love attending church with my boyfriend and his extended family.  I am really finding a lot of strength in my faith recently.
But now it's Monday and I have a long stretch of week in front of me with no respite.  I'm scared of the days that lie ahead.  I have become increasingly anxious in recent weeks, and while my anxiety comes in waves, I'm not confident that this ebb and flow pattern is good for me.  I either am in a high anxiety place or in a place where I have anxiety that I'll soon be in a high anxiety place.
I'm in a high anxiety place now because I'm afraid of the week ahead.
I'm scared of six hours of work today.  I'm hoping I can be successful.  I'm hoping everything goes well.
I'm upset with a woman I sort-of know for saying something rude yesterday evening that I just can't get out of my head.
I'm nervous because I don't know what I'm having for dinner tonight.
I'm nervous because I should make a doctor and dentist appointment but haven't had the chance to do so because I've been too busy.
I'm anxious about some school assignments I need to get done in the next few days, assignments I have absolutely no time for in my already-packed schedule.
I'm annoyed that I didn't plan my time better before this weekend.
I'm hungry, and I'm disappointed that I've been satiating all my 'hungry' cravings with store-bought chocolate chip cookies that can't be very good for me and aren't really that filling either.
There is a stack of laundry I have to do, but I'm not in the mood for it now.
For six hours today, I have to interact with people for my job.  Tomorrow, I work an even more social 12-hr shift at my other job.
And even though today is a brand new day, I'm still saddled with all of yesterday's anxiety, which seems to have been piling up for weeks and weeks on end.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Today is a brand new Monday.  This week will be better than last week.

Challenges

I've been challenging myself a lot recently.
Challenging myself in my relationship.
Challenging myself in my friendships.
Challenging myself in my family.
Challenging myself socially.
Challenging myself spiritually.
Challenging myself occupationally.
Challenging myself physically.
Unfortunately, despite filling my proverbial plate with thousands and thousands of things that I'd like to get done in an ideal world, it's becoming harder and harder to actually accomplish anything I set out to do.
I have so many things that I want out of life, but I'm so scared of so many of them.
I have so many things that I love to do or would love to try to do, but I'm afraid.
I have so many people I want to know better or people with whom I want to renew friendships.  I have so many people I want to share my joys with but I also don't want to disappoint.
I don't exactly know what it is that I want to accomplish at the end of all of this, and that's probably  the most frustrating thing.  It's confusing.  It's stressful.  Some days, all I want to do is lie on my floor and watch Youtube or CNN and nap.  Sometimes, I plan out the perfect day but then get sidetracked by something else and eventually find myself stressing that nature disrupted my plan.  Some days it feels as though I have all the time in the world and the next it seems like I have too many things to do in too few hours.
I want to contribute to the world.  I want to make the people I love happy.  I want my parents to be proud of me.  I want my friends to feel trusted by me.  I want everyone in my world to be content with the person that I am.
And achieving all of that is going to remain quite the challenge.

Meeting New People

In the last few months, I've met a lot of new people.
I started going to a new church with my boyfriend.  My boyfriend has been going to this church for many years and he is definitely more of a "people person" than me.  He is very comfortable with their tight-knit church community.
I love my boyfriend and I find it a lot easier to be comfortable in crowds with him "leading" me.  I can't say I really "enjoy" meeting new people, but with him at my side, I feel much more confident.
So, in the last three or so months at church, I've been relatively comfortable meeting a lot of people at church.
In the last few months, I've also met a few members of my boyfriend's extended family.  It is sometimes a lot of pressure when I really want someone to like me but I'm scared they won't.  I'm a difficult person to get to know.  I have quirks and my quirks are accentuated when I'm nervous or anxious.  I know this because I stim a lot more when I'm having a bad day or even just a bad moment. It can be embarrassing when I "freak out" in front of other people, especially people I want to make a good impression on.  I'm afraid of crying or melting down or basically showing any side of myself that isn't the prim and proper persona I try to put on.  And of course, that just makes me more nervous.
Eye contact is hard, for example.  The people I am meeting will eventually be my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, and I feel like I need to look them in the eyes.
My boyfriend told me that I didn't look him in the eye at all during our first date.  I have since shared lots of eye contact with him, but it's really hard for me, and he respects that.  He is really good at accepting me, even with what some people might perceive as flaws, but I'm worried that other people won't see me the way I want them to.
Meeting new people is hard for me.  That's all I'm trying to say.  I really do try my best, but it's tough.

On Autism & Romantic Love

A long time ago, when I first thought about "blogging," I considered the blog name "Single Autistic Female."  At the time, I was: single, Autistic, and female.
I'm still Autistic and I'm still female, but for the last few months I've been in a very blissful romantic relationship.
I was in a romantic relationship before, about a year ago, that was my first.  I didn't want a boyfriend in high school or anything like that; I wanted to know myself before I even considered dating.  So, I was nineteen when I met my first boyfriend.  He was also Autistic, which was the first thing that attracted me to him.  He was smart and witty and very similar to me.  I fell for because of many reasons, but who never quite needed or loved me to the extent that I needed and loved him.
He was a worthwhile relationship, but it was clear from the beginning that we would never make each other happy.
I had a lot of stress in that relationship.
I worried a lot.
I felt the need to *make* him like me because I didn't think he would otherwise.
I hid a lot of parts of me from him.  I hid my "crazy."
I let a lot of things slide.  I let him do things and say things that were against my values because I was afraid he'd stop liking me if I expressed myself honestly.
Writing that out, it all seems very juvenile.  I was so incredibly naive.  And yet, it was so incredibly worth it.  It's hard not to regret past transgressions -- especially since I feel much more comfortable the person I am today than the person I was with him.
It's hard to reflect on the past and relive those unpleasant feelings, but I sometimes feel it's necessary.  It's hard for me to organize my thoughts sometimes and it's difficult for me to pinpoint what I'm feeling.

After my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I was briefly involved with another man, one of my good friends.

And then I met my boyfriend, who has made me happy since the day we met.  He loves ME.  He loves my interests.  He loves my spirit.  He loves me even though I have very particular and peculiar interests.  He loves me even though it scares me to meet new people.  He loves me even though I stress about nearly everything.  He loves me even though I melt down without a precise plan.  He loves ME in spite of all the things that I used to fear made me "unloveable," all the things I was afraid to share in prior relationships and with partners I was not as comfortable with.

Being in a relationship is hard, especially when Autism is also a part of the relationship.
Sometimes, he needs more social time than I am comfortable giving him.  Sometimes, he doesn't understand when I obsess over something he considers small.  But we love each other.

I guess I wrote this because I want other Autistics to know that, if you want to be in a romantic relationship, it's possible.  I used to think I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship or find someone who'd accept me, and for a while I was OK with that because it wasn't what I wanted, but now, I'm so thankful that I persevered.  I always wanted to grow up and be in a romantic relationship with a man who'd adore me, and I've finally found him.
I am Autistic AND I am lovable.
So are you.

My Mom

I've had a few bad days and a few good days recently.  And right now, I'm ecstatic that my mother has come to visit me!  I absolutely love my mother -- she is my best friend in the world and I'm so happy that she is here.  She is making this day a really good day.
Thanks, Mom!

Facebook Anxiety (Bad) & Some Good Life Things (Good)

I am having a lot of facebook anxiety lately.
Basically, I'm just having a hard time turning on and off facebook because there are people on there that I don't want anything to do with.
I'm really frightened about what I'll see when I turn on facebook, and yet I also feel this compulsion to log in to my facebook periodically, anyways.
I can't help it.  I get even more nervous when I don't know what's happening on my facebook home page.
But still, my heart rate goes up whenever I even think about facebook.
I really am feeling uncomfortable about this whole thing. It is serious enough that it genuinely is affecting my mental health.
So I'm stressed about that.  But that stress comes in waves.  Sometimes, I'm fine.  Sometimes, I'm doing other things.  Sometimes, I get fixated on it.

I missed my pills yesterday, so it's possible that's affecting me.

But there are good things happening too:
I get to see my boyfriend later, and I love him, so that will be nice and will make me feel better.  We might get to watch some television together, which would be relaxing.  I'm hopefully also going to get to go to the gym and play some tennis.
Another good thing: I'm starting to feel more comfortable in this new environment.  I'm sitting in my new room now, drinking Diet Soda (my happy food) and working on an online course.  I'm going to make dinner for myself tonight.  I bought groceries yesterday.  I'm a little bit scared about that, but I'm mostly excited.
I'm really benefiting from my new gym membership as well.  I wish the gym was closer so I didn't have to walk a full 20 minutes to get there, but I'm glad I'm moving around and getting some of my "crazy" out on the treadmill.  I'm also enjoying using the weight machines.
I'm glad it's been nice weather.  I'm glad it's not too hot yet but it's also not too cold.  I'm glad it's kind of breezy.  I'm glad it's not too sunny, since I usually forget to bring my sunglasses with me when I go out.

Moving & Autism Associated Friendship Fails

I can tell you every piece of news that's been said on CNN today.  I've been watching it since about 8.30 AM and it's now nearly time for dinner.
Yesterday was a day of changes, and for those of you who don't know me, I should point out that I absolutely despise changes.
Changes scare me.
I am genuinely frightened by change.
It takes a lot of mental preparation to get myself to a place where I can even begin to physically prepare for a change.  Changes in plans are enough to send me into a full-blown meltdown.
So yesterday, moving from my peaceful building where I was able to enjoy immaculate solitude in my perfectly cleaned and organized room and into an unfamiliar apartment with a living space, kitchen, and bathroom that I have to share with another person was hardly my favorite activity.
It's a four-bedroom apartment and I'll only be here for a few weeks.  Also, the person I'm living with happens to be my best friend.  You'd think that would calm me down.  I thought it would, at least.  But no.  Yesterday afternoon, I fell on my new bed and cried and rocked for three hours.  Last night, I was in a trance; I could barely think.
I had to do laundry.  The laundry machines in this building look the same as the old ones but they're in a different configuration.  I don't like that.  I like the side-by-side machines, not the across-from-each-other machines.  The washing machines also smell funny.  I don't like that either.
The shower is new to me.  I don't like it.  It isn't as well-lit as my old shower and the showerhead is a different shade of grey and the water temperature isn't as easily controlled as I am used to.
The handsoap is a different brand and it has a very strong smell.  It's my friend's soap.  It's green and too sticky and leaves a soapy smell long after it's been used.  I don't like that.
The internet cord is stuck in my computer because I don't know how to work it.
The bed is lower than my old bed.
The place is cluttered and unclean.
So I have watched CNN.  I have sat here and I have tried to make myself comfortable.  I have drank Diet Coke (it's my "happy" drink) and Earl Grey tea (another drink that usually calms me down) and I've eaten nearly a whole bag of Sunchips.  And I've stewed and stewed and wondered and mused.  I've been frustrated and anxious and I simply don't know what to do.
The funny thing here is that I was so excited, a few weeks ago, to move in with my best friend.  I was so excited to share a living space with her.  I was so excited to be able to spend more time with her.  It felt like a marker of growing up and I was really looking forward to it.  I love my friend dearly and I wouldn't want to live with anyone else.
Of course, I can't imagine it looks that way, though.  I know I'm not being a "good" roommate.  I know how to act around my friends and I know my behavior now must be bothering her.
I can't control it, though.
I am Autistic, and this is one of those situations where I wish, for just a second, that I wasn't Autistic. I hate autism right now.  I hate what it does to me.  I hate that it makes me so anxious and so self-conscious and so emotional and so depressed and so confused.  I hate that I cannot get off this couch, I cannot go into the bathroom, I cannot walk around on this floor (even in socks AND slippers) because I know it's not clean (to my standard).
I hate that my friend probably hates me and hates living with me.  I hate that she probably won't want to live with me again.  Because I WANT so badly to live with her.  I want to live in an apartment with her next school year, but I'm scared that she won't now.

I Hate Summer

Having some serious social anxiety crap lately.  As per usual.

Left the apartment only once today — walked to buy a bagel and a Diet Coke.  

Going to run out of pills tomorrow if I don’t go to Superstore to get refills.  Can’t bring myself to take the bus.  Been trying to psych myself up for it for days, but I can’t.  I can’t get on the bus.  I can’t take the bus to the busy store.  I can’t go the busy store.  I can't talk to the pharmacist.  I can't wait around in the sea of busy people.  I just can't do it.

I am in love for the first time and he’s the only person I can stand to be around.  I don’t see him 5 days of the week, and I can’t bring myself to do anything during those days.  And even when I am with him, sometimes I feel like I'm not giving him my all, because after being social for hours, I sometimes need a break.

I’m becoming more and more obsessed with cleanliness, the way I was a few years ago.  I’ve showered 3 times today and I’ve been inside all day.

I can’t go on facebook anymore.  I went though a facebook-free period a few months back and I’m off facebook again.  I don’t want to have to see people, even over the mask of the internet. 

Life’s been weird.  

I wish I had schoolwork.  Or a job.  Or anything to occupy me.  Life is so much easier when there’s a regimented plan.

Comforting Others

I am not a traditionally "supportive" person.
I do not enjoy highly emotional situations because I simply do not know how to react.  I feel uncomfortable.  I forget how to behave "appropriately."  I start shaking, stimming, flapping my arms, and shaking my hands.  My vocal cadence changes dramatically.  I speak in short, concise sentences with repeated, multisyllabic words.
When my friends are having difficult days, it is really hard for me to "be there" for them.  I really just don't know many ways to comfort adults, and my attempts are often clumsy, because I don't particularly want to be the person who is relied upon to comfort someone I love.
It's not that I don't love them or want them to feel better, it's just that I don't handle sad situations well.  When people are upset, I get upset.  And whenever I get uncomfortable, I find it really difficult to manage independently, let alone socially.
It's hard for me to comfort others.  I feel bad about that.  I wish I could be a "better" friend when it comes to comforting those in need.

People Will Appreciate You

Sometimes, being autistic is like being any "normal" person.  But sometimes, being autistic makes you stick out "like a sore thumb."  I'm one of those Autistics who can "blend" rather well for short periods of time and in a familiar environment, such that I don't really have to talk to people or do anything new or uncomfortable.  A lot of people see me as eccentric, but most people don't assume I'm Autistic just from getting to know me a little bit.

A long time ago, I embraced my autism.  I learned to appreciate myself as a strong and confident Autistic with tons to offer the world.  But still, it took a long time for me to acknowledge that other people would see my autism as an asset.  

Maybe I'm the only one who's ever thought this.  But if I'm not, I just wanted to put it out into the world for all other people to know: you will be valued by other people.  There are people who love your autism, and these people will see your autism as something that makes you more you. 

I had a good day today and it felt important to share this message.  I don't have a big social circle, but I believe that the people who surround me love me regardless of my quirks.  In fact, I think they love me because of my quirks.  And that makes me feel really good.