First Day of School

Today is Thursday.  Today is my "first day of school."  Technically, classes started yesterday and kids have been moving in to campus all week.  But today was my first class.  I'm hardly new -- I've been here years -- but still, getting back into the swing of things after an amazing summer away from here is going to be hard.

I don't like large groups of people, but unfortunately, university campuses tend to be just large groups of people.

I've found the past few days have been really difficult in terms of the many people around.  I dislike that the nights have been full of screaming teenagers drinking alcohol outside.  I don't like rambunctious partiers -- on principle or in reality -- and I don't enjoy that the entire campus seems filled with them right now.

Right now, I'm able to find solace in my small corner of our apartment, in my bedroom.  Thankfully, I have bright and understanding roommates who don't mind that I have my fair share of quirks.  Thankfully, I enjoy school -- I'm good at school.  I like studying and learning.  I get good grades.

I'm thankful for the new gym on campus.  The treadmill has been really great in aiding my stress recently.  I am glad I have that.

Still, I miss the comforts of summer.  I hope things get easier for me, in terms of anxiety.

I'm so happy, but I'm also feeling really anxious for some reason.

My goodness.  I have 237 days left of school for this year.  I hope it goes smoothly.

Loneliness

There is this perception that Autistics like to be alone.  Perhaps it is because we so often create our own worlds that we feel most comfortable in.  Perhaps it is because we enjoy our solitude.  Perhaps it is because loud noises and large groups of people make us uncomfortable.  All those things are reasons I like my "alone time," but it is also very true that I need my "social time" as well.

I like people.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I don't.  I guess it is more accurate to say that I like certain people.  My best friends, I like them.  I like many of the people I have classes with.  Some of my classmates I don't like so much.  I like many of my boyfriend's family members, his roommates, his church community.  I like the role models I've sought out for myself.  I like some of the people I work with.

While it is true that after a particularly stressful day, I'd love to just go home and sit by myself and do nothing at all, I didn't have a stressful day today and now I need some social interaction.  Today, I went to work, sat at my desk, and watched the clock.  Today, I wanted to leave all day because I was tired and bored.  But when 4.00 came around, my coworker asked if I was leaving and I had to think about it -- because I used to live near my boyfriend, but now I live an hour away.  I just moved yesterday and that was incredibly stressful.  And now I don't want to be here.  I don't want to be by myself.  I am incredibly lonely, sitting in this huge apartment all by myself.  I wish there were other people around to talk to, but instead I've got nothing but the whir of my fan to keep me company.  I know my boyfriend would rather I stop calling him in tears saying I miss him, and I know my mother-in-law would rather I stop texting her and lamenting about how alone and depressed I feel.  I know this.  And yet, this is the place I am in today.

I am incredibly anxious about the lack of cleanliness of my new apartment, but I cannot bring myself to clean today.  No, today I can merely sit and think and wonder and fear.  Today, I miss my boyfriend too much.  Today, I cannot bring myself to do anything productive.

Today, I have eaten a muffin and some macaroni.  Today, I have drank a 591 mL bottle of Diet Coke.  I am essentially too depressed to eat or drink.

I cleaned one fridge last night at 3 AM and the other is half-cleaned now.  I have to do my dishes and clean the bathroom, as well as clean my entire bedroom top to bottom before I can start to unpack.  Yesterday, I cleaned the walls and a few surfaces before I made my bed.  Today, my bed is clean but that's about it.  I need to sterilize my desk, closet, drawers, and then I need to unpack.

I'm watching this documentary only because I want to watch something at least sort of educational and the sound from the proper television is too loud for my ears to handle right now.  I am having a really hard time dealing with all the new sensory experiences in this apartment; the sound of the upstairs neighbor walking around, the smells coming from the different parts of the living room and kitchen, the burnt out light bulb in the bathroom, and the itchy fabric on the couches.

I hope this gets easier.

I feel "bottom of my soul lonely" today.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Yesterday was a bad day.
Yesterday, I moved.
I don't like change.
Change is scary.
Change is scary for a lot of people, and especially a lot of Autistic people.  I'm one of those Autistics who can plan and plan for weeks and weeks, but when it comes time to actually make a change, I have a lot of difficulty achieving it.
Last night, I cried a lot.  I didn't want to be left alone in my new living space.  I was afraid.  I was regretting my choices.  I was questioning everything.  Like I said: changes are really stressful for me.

I'm in the process of settling in.
I'm thankful for my boyfriend, whom I love very much, because he is very good at calming me down and distracting me from my stress.
I'm thankful for my gym membership, because I've been treadmilling out a lot of anxiety.
I'm thankful for my computer, although I'm having a lot of facebook stress lately.  Maybe I'll talk about that another time.  But what I am thankful for is the television I can catch up to on my computer.  I'm glad I have access to youtube and my shows.
I'm thankful for my lists.
I'm thankful for my plans.
I'm thankful that I made it this far. I don't give myself enough credit, I think.  It's hard for me to move.  It's hard for me to adjust.  It's hard for me to accept that plans sometimes change.  But I'm doing OK now.  I'm doing OK and I'm thankful for that.

Moving & Autism Associated Friendship Fails

I can tell you every piece of news that's been said on CNN today.  I've been watching it since about 8.30 AM and it's now nearly time for dinner.
Yesterday was a day of changes, and for those of you who don't know me, I should point out that I absolutely despise changes.
Changes scare me.
I am genuinely frightened by change.
It takes a lot of mental preparation to get myself to a place where I can even begin to physically prepare for a change.  Changes in plans are enough to send me into a full-blown meltdown.
So yesterday, moving from my peaceful building where I was able to enjoy immaculate solitude in my perfectly cleaned and organized room and into an unfamiliar apartment with a living space, kitchen, and bathroom that I have to share with another person was hardly my favorite activity.
It's a four-bedroom apartment and I'll only be here for a few weeks.  Also, the person I'm living with happens to be my best friend.  You'd think that would calm me down.  I thought it would, at least.  But no.  Yesterday afternoon, I fell on my new bed and cried and rocked for three hours.  Last night, I was in a trance; I could barely think.
I had to do laundry.  The laundry machines in this building look the same as the old ones but they're in a different configuration.  I don't like that.  I like the side-by-side machines, not the across-from-each-other machines.  The washing machines also smell funny.  I don't like that either.
The shower is new to me.  I don't like it.  It isn't as well-lit as my old shower and the showerhead is a different shade of grey and the water temperature isn't as easily controlled as I am used to.
The handsoap is a different brand and it has a very strong smell.  It's my friend's soap.  It's green and too sticky and leaves a soapy smell long after it's been used.  I don't like that.
The internet cord is stuck in my computer because I don't know how to work it.
The bed is lower than my old bed.
The place is cluttered and unclean.
So I have watched CNN.  I have sat here and I have tried to make myself comfortable.  I have drank Diet Coke (it's my "happy" drink) and Earl Grey tea (another drink that usually calms me down) and I've eaten nearly a whole bag of Sunchips.  And I've stewed and stewed and wondered and mused.  I've been frustrated and anxious and I simply don't know what to do.
The funny thing here is that I was so excited, a few weeks ago, to move in with my best friend.  I was so excited to share a living space with her.  I was so excited to be able to spend more time with her.  It felt like a marker of growing up and I was really looking forward to it.  I love my friend dearly and I wouldn't want to live with anyone else.
Of course, I can't imagine it looks that way, though.  I know I'm not being a "good" roommate.  I know how to act around my friends and I know my behavior now must be bothering her.
I can't control it, though.
I am Autistic, and this is one of those situations where I wish, for just a second, that I wasn't Autistic. I hate autism right now.  I hate what it does to me.  I hate that it makes me so anxious and so self-conscious and so emotional and so depressed and so confused.  I hate that I cannot get off this couch, I cannot go into the bathroom, I cannot walk around on this floor (even in socks AND slippers) because I know it's not clean (to my standard).
I hate that my friend probably hates me and hates living with me.  I hate that she probably won't want to live with me again.  Because I WANT so badly to live with her.  I want to live in an apartment with her next school year, but I'm scared that she won't now.

Routines Are Important

Routines are important for a lot of people with autism.
Routines are very important to me.
Changes frighten me.  Plans are my only salvation.  And when plans change, I get very frustrated.
Last night, I had a meltdown because I hadn't had a shower.  It was a long, active, and social day in which I participated in multiple sports activities, played outside, played with children, and also played a borrowed game with friends.  Why was I stressed?  I was stressed because I felt unclean - covered in "germs" - and had felt the compulsive need to shower since after the first activity of the day.  Hours later, I was frustrated and grumpy and upset.  Things were not going my way.  I wanted my shower.  My brain was not having a good day and it was aggravated by a challenging social situation in which I found myself playing board games with two people I did not know well.  I was feeling anxious because I wanted to shower.  And I was feeling anxious because of the social get-together.  All the anxiety and discomfort eventually led to me melting down.
Sometimes, I can't control my routine.  When that happens, it's really difficult for me to manage.  I'm writing this now so I can "own" it.  I'm writing this because I do not like meltdowns, but they happen. I'm writing this because I think it's important that neurotypical people understand that Autistic people sometimes have meltdowns, and it's no fun for anybody.  We aren't trying to hurt you.  We aren't trying to confuse you.
I hate it when people I like complain about my brain.  I hate it when people are able to respect me so often but still struggle to accept my meltdowns.
And for me, routines are important.

Changes Are Scary

In mid-January, I posted here about how I dislike change.  I have disliked change since I was a young child and honestly, it isn't something I see overcoming in the near future.  I spend a large proportion of my time planning my schedule - for the day, the week, the month.  This proportion of time spent is matched only by the amount of time I spend worrying about the things I cannot fit into the clean and precise crevasses in my mental calendar.  I am always afraid that plans will change.  I am terrified that, since most activities require the assistance or participation of another person (or multiple people) in some way, the plan I have so neatly worked out in my head may completely morph into something else, and this process may be completely out of my control.
I have multiple diagnoses secondary to autism, including an anxiety disorder, and in the circumstances that follow change - be it major change or minor change - autism and anxiety tend to gang up on me and produce unfavorable behaviors.
I am not proud to admit that just thinking about change makes me shake a little bit.
I am not proud to admit that, even the smallest change to a predetermined plan is enough to send me into a meltdown.
I don't like meltdowns.  I have them, but I don't like them.  Meltdowns are, for many autistics, a "normal" part of living and they're oftentimes something we cannot control.  They are awkward and embarrassing and painful and undermining, but they happen regardless of how much we sometimes wish they would go away.  Or, at least, that has been my experience.  I've tried breathing, I've tried taking breaks, I've tried modified education and special education, I've tried living with the "disability" label in my building, but nothing - so far - has kept me from melting down.  And changes are, by far, one of my biggest triggers.
Changes are scary.  Changes highlight the uncertainty of the world.  Changes remind me of the omnipresent entropy in our society.
I'm finding myself incredibly lucky, however, that I have good friends who are really considerate of my distaste of changes and who try to accommodate for me as best as possible.  I am really fortunate that, even though things still change and I still melt down, I'm less embarrassed about my peculiarities and I'm starting to really embrace the more 'negative' quirks of autism that I tend to display.
Changes are scary, but people can sometimes make them less scary.  I've been counting on that a lot recently.

I Don't Like Change

I am a methodical person.  I live each and every day in the same way.  When I make deviations from my schedule, they are only after careful and precise planning.  I want to know where I will be and what I will be doing at every moment.  This is the only way I can feel secure.  And I even have a compulsion to know what other people are doing during my planned activities.  That bothers my friends, I know, but it's not something that I am capable of changing.  I've been told to and asked to, but my brain is my brain and I can't bring myself to be all right with such uncertainty.  It makes my heart rate shoot up, it makes my speech pattern change, it makes my hands shake and my arms flap and my body rock back and forth or side to side.

I get anxious when plans change.  I don't understand why plans change.  It's a strange thing, really, because I am twenty years old and intellectually I accept that there is entropy in the world and some things are bound to change, but when it happens I still revert to almost a state of shock.

I have a letter from a doctor which states that I am "resistant to change" and that is "due to diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome."

It's hard on me though.  I have spent my whole life aware that I like to be "in the loop," but invariably one day something will change and I will find myself floundering in space and time, unprepared for an uncertain future.  I detest little changes, and larger changes frighten me to the extent that it is currently midnight and I am lying in bed, unable to sleep, because I don't know what my future will hold.  I don't know where I'll be at 1:00 PM tomorrow afternoon, and that frightens me.  I don't know where my friends will be or where my family will be.  I don't know who they will be with and what they will be doing.  I am suppressing the urge to phone right now, to ask, and to make somebody promise to be at a certain place, so there will at least be some semblance of understanding of the future.

Spontaneity terrifies me.