Sunday, 20 January 2013

I Don't Like Change

I am a methodical person.  I live each and every day in the same way.  When I make deviations from my schedule, they are only after careful and precise planning.  I want to know where I will be and what I will be doing at every moment.  This is the only way I can feel secure.  And I even have a compulsion to know what other people are doing during my planned activities.  That bothers my friends, I know, but it's not something that I am capable of changing.  I've been told to and asked to, but my brain is my brain and I can't bring myself to be all right with such uncertainty.  It makes my heart rate shoot up, it makes my speech pattern change, it makes my hands shake and my arms flap and my body rock back and forth or side to side.

I get anxious when plans change.  I don't understand why plans change.  It's a strange thing, really, because I am twenty years old and intellectually I accept that there is entropy in the world and some things are bound to change, but when it happens I still revert to almost a state of shock.

I have a letter from a doctor which states that I am "resistant to change" and that is "due to diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome."

It's hard on me though.  I have spent my whole life aware that I like to be "in the loop," but invariably one day something will change and I will find myself floundering in space and time, unprepared for an uncertain future.  I detest little changes, and larger changes frighten me to the extent that it is currently midnight and I am lying in bed, unable to sleep, because I don't know what my future will hold.  I don't know where I'll be at 1:00 PM tomorrow afternoon, and that frightens me.  I don't know where my friends will be or where my family will be.  I don't know who they will be with and what they will be doing.  I am suppressing the urge to phone right now, to ask, and to make somebody promise to be at a certain place, so there will at least be some semblance of understanding of the future.

Spontaneity terrifies me.