Monday, 28 January 2013

Break-Up Ouchies

My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago.  We’re both 20.  We’d been together about a year.  He was my first boyfriend and also my first love.  And I miss him.  I miss him in a way that is cyclical.  First I miss him a little bit.  Then I miss him a lot.  Then I hate myself for missing him.  Then he’s out of my head.  It’s weird and it’s complicated and it’s painful and it’s strange. 
I am autistic.  He is autistic.  I miss that he used to “get” me the way NTs never do.  I miss that I not only lost a boyfriend but my best friend.  I miss cuddles and kisses and holding hands.  I miss him missing me. 
I don’t make friends easily and I guess I’m afraid I’ll never meet anyone as good as him, ever again.  I guess I’m scared of all the “what ifs” in my uncertain future.   
I get so anxious when I don't know what is happening and these last weeks have been brutal on my sanity.  I am nervous about the future.  I am nervous about how so much has changed.  I am nervous because I can see my social skills regressing.  I am nervous because this is all new and scary to me.  I am nervous because I wonder whether I was ready for it in the first place, or whether I will ever be able to be productive and in a healthy relationship.  I wonder whether I will ever meet another autistic person who can care about me like he did.  
Anyone have any advice?  Particularly seeking advice from autistics (especially autistic adults) who can relate or people who are just good at feelings?