Thursday, 31 January 2013

Schedules Are Important (To Me)

I wake up.  I go to class.  I eat breakfast.  I go back to class.  I treadmill.  I go swimming with my friend.  I go to the grocery store to pick up my prescriptions and also some snacks.  I come back home.  I eat lunch.  I sit alone for 5 or 6 hours.  I watch TV - probably The West Wing.  I check my internets - my email, tumblr, etc.  I go buy more food.  Maybe I text message a few people.  I eat dinner and have my meds.  I am skyped by my mother or grandmother.  I probably text message again.  I maybe do some homework.  I make a schedule for the next day.  I make some lists.  I read things that probably aren’t important but feel important at the time.  I have my soda if I haven’t had it already.  I maybe watch some more TV.  Maybe I check my email again.  Maybe I finish homework.  In preparation for bed, I clean my room - Lysol my surfaces and electronics.  I plan my schedule for the next day and pack my bag appropriately.  I brush my teeth.  I shower.  I climb in bed.  Maybe I watch a bit of relaxing TV, probably Frasier or some old Vlogbrothers videos on Youtube.  I sleep.  
I need a schedule.  I need a plan.  I get so anxious without a plan.  That’s something my friends don’t understand.  My friends don’t understand that I cannot function without a plan.  I need to know what is happening with me and with other people in order to feel comfortable and sane.  So right now I’m happy because I know what I’m doing tomorrow.  It’ll be hard tomorrow, when unexpected things change.  I hope I can get a bagel for breakfast.  If there aren’t bagels, that might be difficult.  I hope I can get soup for lunch.  If there isn’t soup, I might not handle that well.  
I’m old enough and self-aware enough that I see and understand my limitations.  I cannot spend more than a few hours of “social time” per day.  And that’s difficult.  I wish sometimes that it would be easier for me.  Or, maybe, what I wish is that people would understand what I need.