Frustrated by Ignorance (& Pre-Marital Counselling)

Why am I crying right now?

My fiance just called me.  He'd been called to "pre-marital counselling detention" (as I called it), but more specifically, our pastor had asked to have a private meeting with him.  We've both been speculating for a few days over what would be discussed in this meeting.  We had a lot of ideas.  But we were totally wrong.

He wanted to talk about my Asperger's.

I wasn't even there (he specifically asked my fiance to meet him privately) to discuss my brain.

I haven't gotten the whole story yet, but I'm upset about that.  I'm upset because, frankly, I don't know if he would know that I was Autistic if my fiance and I had not disclosed it to him, a long time ago.  He's strangely preoccupied with my brain though and at our other pre-marital counselling meeting, he asked about it a lot.  I don't mind when people ask questions about my brain, but I'm not keen on people asking questions about my brain from people who don't know what they're talking about.

My fiance knows a lot about me and a bit about autism, but he's not the expert.  If anyone's the expert, it's ME.

What did the pastor ask about?  Well, he just mentioned to my fiance that marriage spiced with Asperger's will have its own unique challenges and life might be hard for us.  But isn't life hard for everybody?

He said that - since I apparently give less facial information than neurotypical people - I might in some way hinder my children's development.  WHAT?  My fiance and I really look forward to having kids, so this definitely peeved me.  I don't want to hear this man's backward explanation of my brain and how he thinks I'll somehow screw up my children because I apparently don't have an expressive face!  That is absurd and judgmental and makes me feel really bad about myself.

He also suggested that we visit a medical doctor (as a couple) to talk about Asperger's.  As if I've never visited a doctor about my brain before.  As if I've never seen a neurologist.  As if I haven't had years of cognitive behavior therapy.  As if I haven't seen all the specialists in pediatric autism Toronto, Ontario (at SickKids, CAMH, Geneva... I've seen them all).  As if I haven't read books and befriended other Autistic kids and been in special education and gone to extracurricular programs with other Autistic people.  I KNOW HOW AUTISM WORKS.  And even more than that, I'd like to say that I'm the most knowledgeable person about my own brain.

I fully think it would be great if my fiance had a better understanding of autism, but I think it's more important that he understands me, and I'd like to think that when he looks at me he sees more than a diagnosis I received at nine years of age.  I can't go back and "fix" my brain or change it in some way so I don't have this condition.  This is how I was built and I'm OK with that.  I actually like my brain and don't see it as a liability.  But when people like this pastor treat it like it's some sort of huge problem and obstacle that we have to overcome, it makes me feel really inadequate, like autism is a bad thing.

Autism is not a bad thing.

Autism is not a punishment.  Not for me and certainly not for my fiance.  Autism is a small portion of my life and an even smaller portion of his life.

When my fiance mentioned that the pastor said he should find a support group for other people married to Autistic individuals, I thought that was a good idea, but I retorted back that I want a support group for Autistic people married to neurotypicals, because even though I know I can be annoying sometimes, neurotypical people can definitely be an annoyance to me.

I am smart enough to see ignorance when it is near me, and frankly this small town I currently live in is full of it.  I'm really frustrated that this man is so preoccupied with my brain chemistry that he can't see through that and to all of my good qualities.

All I want to do is be happy in my marriage.  Isn't that what everybody wants, whether they're Autistic or neurotypical?

Next time, I really hope he asks me about my brain instead of asking my fiance, and next time I hope he gets to know me before expressing his concerns about how an Autistic person could possibly exist independently in the world.

Me, My Fiance, and My Autism: Part 1

My fiance is the love of my life.  I adore him for many reasons, and sometimes the cardinal reason I love him is that he puts up with my "crazy."

Note: I started this post with the intention that it would be a positive picture of my relationship and the small part of it that is my neurochemistry, but every time he and I argue about something, it all seems to come back to the fact that we don't think in the same way, and that is what causes our conflicts.  I love my fiance so much and want our relationship to be perfect.  I will do anything to make our relationship successful.  And yet sometimes I feel so unequipped because my brain doesn't work the same way his does.  Sometimes I just need reassurance that we can be happy and successful, fifty years from now, even though our neurons behave in different ways.  So this will be "Part 1" in a series about Me, My Fiance, and My Autism.

I knew that, in order for any romantic relationship to work, I would need to be upfront and honest about my autism.  I had been in disastrous relationships before that were unhealthy and unproductive and downright unpleasant, and I knew that for a relationship to work, I would need to be completely honest about who I am and what I need.  My first breakup was really hard on me (even though the guy was completely wrong for me, but of course I couldn't see that then) and I definitely didn't want to go through another miserable breakup again.

When I first met my fiance, we talked a lot.  We used to talk on the phone, actually, and I remember telling him in one of our earliest conversations that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was young.  I was surprised when he just sort of brushed over it and didn't make it into a big deal.  For so long, I had been ashamed of my autism, so the fact that my partner was okay with it made me feel much more confident to be myself and not to try to hide my real personality from him.

I think this is going to be a pretty long series about Me, My Fiance, and My Autism.  I will try to discuss conflict, how we make our relationship work, how we support each other, how we respond to what is important with the other person...  If you're particularly interested in any of the above, please let me know -- I haven't started writing any of them and they're all up in my head somewhere, but that's it for the moment.

Also: I would love to answer questions about my relationship and my autism.  If anyone has anything they would like to ask, please go ahead!  

I'm Not Always Clueless

This is kind of an important post.

Well, for me it's an important post.

For me, it's an important concept.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 9 years old.  I have been Autistic my whole life.  I was Autistic yesterday, I am Autistic today, and I will be Autistic tomorrow.  That is not a difficult thing for most people to understand.

Being Autistic has challenges.  People understand that.

Sometimes, I don't understand everything that's said to me, or everything that happens around me.  Sometimes I need a bit of extra help.  People understand this.  

And that's lovely.  Most of the time.

There are a lot of people who know I am Autistic and then think I need everything to be explained to me.  I get really upset because of this, sometimes.  Especially when I know what has happened, and then someone tries to explain it to me, and explains it completely differently than the way I see it in my head.  Especially when they tell me I'm wrong and they're right because my brain works differently, so obviously

I'm not saying I'm always right.  I know I make mistakes.  And I know I sometimes do need help.

But when I need help, I will ask.  Please understand this.  Please know that I will ask for help when I need it.

I don't like it when people treat me like I am oblivious to everything around me.  I fully admit that I miss a lot of things and sometimes need things explained to me further, but I don't like it when people treat me like I don't know anything about what is going on around me.

It's a difficult balance and it's something I still don't know how to articulate, but I don't like it when people assume they know more than me, just because I'm Autistic.  Even if it's about a social situation and even though we all know I'm not the best at social situations, I still don't want other people to assume they know better or need to teach me.

*end of rant*

Recent Name List With Some New Interesting Names

This is ten pages of a name list I started a few days ago.

This is the Microsoft Word transcription of the list.  On Excel, it's 214 columns with rows filled out to L.  Does that mean anything to you?  Probably not.  But to me, that's something.  To me, that's kind of important.

I really like name lists.  From this list, a selection of some of my favorite names are:

For girls: Grejsa, Cerelia, Clarity, Phillida, Ellenore, Thandie, Bijou, Tonli, Hestia, Ceridwen, Maevis, Jerusalem, Aurora, Keturah, Keziah, Merrilla, Sonet, Linnea, Lyneth, Delynne, Modest, Honor, Kindell, Catteryn, Halo, Mabry, Ebba, Matielen, Dagny, Evoleth, Tashlyn, Zamyrah, Isis, Clover, and Ambriel

For boys: Adeben, Norrick, Jethrowe, Bowie, Cai, Draco, Helio, Beacon, Aldo, Hirem, Chadwick, Reeser, Garvin, Finnegan, Piers, Gilbert, Cannon, Devyros, Gabor, Kendrew, Vanden, Reiller, Farrow, Truman, Mathan, Tannyn, Courage, Jethrow, Zyaire, Brecken, Kable, Traegar, and Clifton

Of course, those are some kind of random names - some weird ones, some wonderful ones, some made-up ones, and some very old ones.  I love each one of those names for very different reasons, but I adore them all because of the way they sound.  I don't think I, myself, would use any of these names for a child, but they're nice to think about.  They're nice-sounding names.

I like names.

Have I mentioned that yet?

An Influx of Spirituality

Lately, I have found myself getting more spiritual.  I "converted" to Christianity when I was a teenager; I was raised in a rather atheistic home and found the church when I was at an age and stage in my life where I really struggled to belong.  Living for God made me less lonely in a lonely world, I suppose.  That's how I see it, at least, when I look back on those times.  I had few friends and little want for friends, but I needed a purpose, and God's love was that purpose.  

It still is, today.  

My religious convictions come in waves.  One day, I am full of love for Jesus and thankful for the life He has constructed for me.  Other days, I have more questions.  Still other days, I have more earthly things to think about, and those immediate issues always seem so pressing.  

I think I know the kind of person I want to be, and I think my religion is going to be an important part of that.  

It's funny - there are so many Autistic individuals I know who absolutely reject religion, and honestly I feel like one of the few who is drawn to it.  Weird.  That's a deep and complicated idea that we won't delve into now, but I assume there is a reason for it.  

I like having a plan and it's comforting to think that God has a plan for me, even when the rest of the world seems completely opposed to giving me firm details.  

I'm still trying to figure myself out, obviously.  More on that later.  

Tumblr & Happiness & The West Wing & De-Stressing

This weekend, I will explain the many ways autism has effected this week of my life and the discrimination I've had to deal with in the last few days.  

But for now, I'm trying to be calm and happy.  I have an exam tomorrow that I am trying my best to study for.  

I love this tumblr site and it was recently updated!  It is called "Little West Wing Things" and it is for fans of the amazing show The West Wing and basically posts little quotations or concepts from the show that make me (and other West Wing lovers) happy.  

  

  

Those were some recent additions to the site that made me smile.  

If you're a West Wing fan, you'll probably like this tumblr.  

If you're not a West Wing fan, you probably should be.  The show celebrates smart individuals and smart dialogue.  The show tackles complicated and multi-faceted issues.  I love it.  When I'm having a bad day, The West Wing is often my solace, and since I can't spare 44 minutes to watch an episode tonight, this tumblr is giving me a good few minutes of joy.  

I Hate Sad People

Sometimes people are sad.

I have never been comfortable around sad people because I don't know how to respond to them.

Sad people make me uncomfortable and anxious.  I just don't know how to react around them.  I shut down.  And there are people who turn to me for comfort, but I just don't know *how* to comfort them.  

I fully recognize that I am "bad at sad."  But I really stress when I'm expected to be comforting and I am simply incapable of it.  These are the moments I feel the most Autistic (in a bad way).  These are the moments I struggle the most to feel comfortable with myself and feel like an adequate person to those who love me.  I sometimes feel so incompetent in relationships.  And when people are sad, I tend to feel worse about myself.

What Are "Meltdowns"?

The best answer I've ever heard to this question is from autisticdrift on tumblr (their tumblr is linked here).  Autisticdrift responded:

It’s different for everyone. Some people withdraw and get very quiet. Others appear to be really angry (throwing or hitting things, yelling, cursing). Others seem very sad/distressed (crying, sobbing, not talking or seeming inconsolable). Some people try to “disappear” by making themselves small, covering themselves with blankets or wedging themselves into a small hiding place. 

I don’t think there is a typical response across all people but I do think that each person has a response that is typical of them, if that makes sense.

For me, meltdowns start LOUD and ANGRY, with crying, yelling, throwing, and hitting.  Meltdowns are an out-of-body experience and I honestly don't comprehend myself or the situation when I'm having one.  I know I scream and cry and wail because I've seen it on video tape (my parents used to tape them when I was a kid because they didn't understand them and wanted to show my doctors) but I honestly have little recollection afterward.  I cry and I scream and I throw and then I shrink down into a tiny little quiet shell of myself.  I try to hide and make myself invisible.  

That is the progression of every meltdown I have ever had from early childhood until now.  

Meltdowns are a really unique experience and something that neurotypical individuals cannot usually understand.  

The most important thing I want to get across, though, is that meltdowns are not temper-tantrums.  Meltdowns are different.  Meltdowns are a response instigated by our unique neurochemistry.  They are not voluntary.  

When I am having a meltdown, I am not really there.  

Can Autistic Parents Be Good Parents?

An Autistic woman not much older than me is in the process of losing custody of her second child.  There are a lot of factors behind the fight, but the one that everyone seems to be focusing on is the fact that she has autism.  People have decided, apparently, that individuals with autism can't be good parents.  I've heard that so much recently and I'm very upset about it.  I've been struggling with how to discuss this concept in a blog post, but here goes:

Autistics are people.

It is true that our brains are different than neurotypical brains.  It is true that we often do things differently than neurotypical people.  It is true that we might be quirky or need more help with certain tasks than others.  But it does not make us less than human.

There are lots of Autistics who don't want kids.  There are lots of Autistics who don't like kids.  But there are lots of people in those categories too.  It is true that some Autistics may need more support and teaching when it comes to parenting, but it is not true or right or even remotely okay to blanket that in the completely untrue fact that "All Autistics would make / do make bad parents."

There are lots of neurotypical individuals out there who are bad parents too, but we don't hear about them, or when we do, we don't focus on their labels.  When it is an Autistic individual (who does anything!), the first thing people report is that that person is Autistic.  And that's where the focus remains.  Autism has all sorts of negative connotations because anything an Autistic individual does presented as something they did because of their neurochemistry.

I do not have any children yet.

Yet.

I want children.  I have always wanted children.  For a long time I didn't think I'd be able to have children because I struggle so much in relationships (with anyone) that I never expected to have a romantic partner or a support system in place, but I've miraculously been blessed with both.  Everyone close to me knows that I'm Autistic.  And sure, I do some weird things and they "blame it on the autism," but we all do weird things, mine just be a bit more noticeable at times.

That doesn't mean I'll be a bad parent.

I can't wait to be a parent and I have felt that way since I was a child myself.  I've always loved kids and am excited to one day have my own.

I think I'll be an excellent parent.

Special Needs Community Resources

Do you know what's weird to me?  There are so many community supports for children with special needs but so few for adults who require those same services.  In so many places, when you turn 18 you become ineligible for so many programs that are so essential for so many individuals.  That's so unfortunate.  It seriously makes me sad.

There are conditions that people put a lot of research money in to and conditions that people really pity in kids.  Those kids get a lot of donations and services in the community.  Those kids' lives are made better and easier by people who work hard to give them opportunities to reach their full potential.  But when they're 18, why should those services suddenly stop?  Why do so many organizations stop investing in people once they reach that magical threshold age?

I don't access any community supports right now.  Last year, I did access a few supports, mostly through my university campus's disability resource center, where one of the staff members was very helpful with guiding me to what I was looking for.  Before university, I attended all sorts of programs and groups as well as various therapies.  I now that I've reached my early twenties, I'm too old to qualify for most of them anymore.

But being "an adult" doesn't mean that someone is done needing help.  I know a lot of people who are much older than me but who rely on private services to help them in their day-to-day life.

Adults matter, too.

I think we all know that.  I don't think that's a groundbreaking statement.  But I do think it's important to recognize that a lot of places really do leave young adults stranded in terms of resources when they "age out" of programming.

Of course I see the value of helping kids, but what makes adults any less valuable?

In typically-developing culture, adulthood is seen as this magical time when individuals no longer need the support and nurturing they received as children because they are supposed to be fully independent.  However, for individuals with special needs -- including Autistics -- that often isn't the case.  As much as I would like to say I am fully independent, I know this is a lie.  I have so many people around me who help me with the little things I cannot do, and this is the case for most Autistic young adults I know as well.

One day I want to "grow up" to a point where I no longer need people to translate the world for me, remind me to eat, and make my house safe.  But I'm not quite there yet.  And a lot of people need more support than me.

So, I wonder, why does the availability of community resources decrease so drastically once one reaches "adulthood"?

This Is Autism

I am autism.

A lot of other people are autism as well.  I., G., H., A., C., T., T., M., A., L..... (some first initials of some Autistic friends of mine) are autism.

Today is This is Autism Day, and I feel as though I should be giving some deep and meaningful description of what exactly autism is and provide some uplifting analysis of how Autistics are integral for the healthy functioning of the world.

According to the DSM-V, autism can be diagnosed whenever there is a combination of a very wide range of possible signs and symptoms that the manual lists.  That is really vague.  But that's what autism is: autism is a ton of different things in a ton of different patterns and has a ton of different presentations.

For me, autism is:
- loving words
- making lists of names
- not being able to process emotions healthily
- struggling to control my anger
- crying over things that don't need to be cried over
- not crying at sad things
- an intense fear of social situations with large crowds or unknown people
- a special interest in quiz shows and empirical knowledge
- a love of my puppy, my boyfriend, my mother, and very few other people
- extremely sensitive to the needs of animals but not the needs of people
- horrible stress at the idea of change
- needing a solid and structured plan 100% of the time
- panic attacks when little things change
- shutting down in situations that make me uncomfortable
- jumping, waving, shaking, twitching, repeating words and sounds to make me feel better

I have no meaningful conclusion for today's post.  I just want to say: Autism is different for everyone.

Autism is complicated, but it should never be scary.

Random Musings From & About Today

Today, I had school until 3 and now I'm sitting at home finishing up a paper that's due tomorrow.  My friend is coming over later and hopefully she'll motivate me to work a bit harder.  Today is also my roommate's birthday.  I had an all right day at school today but my instructor doesn't seem to like me very much and I'm upset about that.  Plus I had a horrible headache and my leg has been really sore all day; I've just been feeling "off."

I had a long conversation about medications on my way home with my best friend / roommate.  I was talking about how I want to eventually go off my medications.  She thought it was a bad idea, saying that I function relatively well on my meds and shouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.  I told her that I've been on so many pills since I was 9 years old that I don't even know what I'm like without them.  Part of me is scared to find out but part of me is immensely curious.  I want to know what the "real" me is and I feel like for the last decade-and-a-bit these medications have been suppressing the "real" me.

I have a lot of schoolwork to do tonight but I'm pretty tired.  I have my Diet Coke and All Dressed Chips here to keep me company, but Youtube is calling and I'm much more curious in watching The Brain Scoop and Sci Show than writing my paper.

I ate an avocado for lunch today that was not very ripe.  Eating it was challenging.  It provided a lot of amusement for my classmates though.  I guess that's a good thing.  A few hours later they were still talking about how funny it was when I spent half an hour trying to eat my avocado.

I had my hair up all day and then took it down when I got home but I still have a headache.

My room is cold.  I kind of broke my robe last week so I will need to get a new one eventually.  I'm still wearing it now but it's not as good as it once was.

My roommates and I watch Jeopardy every night at 7.30.  Hopefully I'll have my work done in time to partake.  I love Jeopardy.

I feel like I'm gaining weight and that's making me really self-conscious and uncomfortable.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  It's a recent fear but it's making me nervous.

God Created Autism

It's no secret that I am a Christian.

While I know faith is not for everyone and those with faith often believe different things, my personal journey has been greatly influenced by my understanding of God.  

I spent a lot of my childhood feeling out-of-place and like there was something wrong with me because I never quite "fit in."  

Coming to terms with my autism took me a long time, and it wasn't until I realized that God created me for a reason and He was the one who gave me my amazing brain.  

I believe God gave me autism for a reason.  That's just what I believe.

A Certain Project

Some of you might now that I am studying health sciences in university.

I have always been fascinated with medicine and the pathophysiology of illness so this was a good career choice for me.

In all honesty, I started university fearful of people and scared of making friends.  I really hated being social for the first few years I was here.  Now I'm feeling a bit better about myself.  I feel less passive. I know I "fit in" (at least some of the time) and I feel good about that.

Anyways, I love learning about medicine.  Medicine fascinates me.

I have a project to do for a course in the end of November.  The assignment is to research and present on a congenital or genetic illness/disease.  The teacher provided us a list of approved topics to choose from; it includes:
Cystic Fibrosis
Congenital heart
Sickle cell anemia
Hemophilia
Cleft lip/palate
Nephrotic syndrome
Polycystic kidney disease
Seizure disorders
Autism
Club foot
Hip dysplasia
Osteogenesis Imperfecta
Muscular Dystrophy
Type 1 Diabetes
Turner Syndrome

I sort of glanced over the list a few days ago, glared at it, and moved on.  Whatever.  I decided I'll pick something that isn't on the list.

And then yesterday, another person in my program sent out an email just to let everyone know what she had picked so that we wouldn't choose her topic.  She told us that the "disease" they had picked to research and present on was was Autism.

For obvious reasons, it upset me when she used the word "disease" to describe autism.  I know I am more than autism, but I do associate autism with me, and it's not fun to think of so much of me as "diseased."

Not impressed with people -- especially people who are studying to be in the health care field -- recognizing autism is a "disease."

Do You Use "Autistic" as a Reclaimed Word?

Over on Musings of an Aspie, there's a great conversation going on about "Autistic" as a reclaimed word.

It's hard for me to give objective information about Autistic as a reclaimed word since I am Autistic and, in all honesty, Autistic is just what and who I am.  Autistic isn't an insult to me.  Autistic has never been an insult in my world.  In my world, Autistic is just how I am.

That's the thing I found most amazing about this post: the reminder that Autistic is a label and it does often have negative connotations.  "Autistic" is a word that a lot of people associate with stereotypes that do not reflect the wide range of individuals who fall along the autism spectrum.

I know that when I use the word "Autistic," I am using it in a positive way.  However, when others say "Autistic," I'm the first to admit that I don't know their intentions with that word.  And that gives me a sort of skewed understanding of Autistic as a reclaimed word; it is reclaimed in a lot of ways but its connotation is so dependent on who is using it.

And, of course, this makes me think about people-first language...  But we'll get to that (for a little rant) later...

Autistic is not an insult.

We need to get that out there.  We need people to know that Autistics are all around and it's important to treat them respectfully, which of course includes using respectful language.

Person-first language is not something that tends to offend Autistics (or, by-in-large, the Autistics that I know), while it is important to other groups.  That's fine.  Person-first language is amazing in some situations and we cannot put person-first language down, even if we like saying "Autistic" instead of "person with autism."  And if you like saying "person with autism," that's just fine too.

I think we need to focus our efforts on using respectful language and just being respectful in general.  I think we often do use Autistic as a reclaimed word and I think that's fantastic; we just need to continue to teach others that autism is not something that should make anyone afraid.

The 5 Scariest Autism "Treatments"

Emily Willingham, a contributor to Forbes, recently wrote this article.

It is frighteningly titled "The 5 Scariest Autism 'Treatments'"

And goodness, it sure is scary.

Honestly, the 'treatments' Ms Willingham writes about are really shocking and disturbing so I'm not going to detail them here.  I linked above to the article if you would like to know more.  Essentially, what Ms Willingham uncovers is that the 'treatments' people have used (possibly with good intentions) in order to "cure" Autistics are extremely dangerous and can cause permanent harm or even death.  That's terrifying to me.



I don't believe that Autism is something we need a cure for, but I do agree that some Autistics function better with certain interventions (like medication or ABA).  I know I do, and I don't think that makes me any less Autistic or any less human.  Regardless of your opinion -- and I know that as soon as anyone mentions "autism treatment" or "autism cure" there are bound to be people riled up -- my public service announcement is:

Please be educated and, above all, please be safe.

Autistics Speaking Day (A Few Days Late...)

Matt over at Dude, I'm An Aspie posted this amazing blog in honor of November 1st being Autistics Speaking Day.

Matt is a great blogger and artist who was one of the first autism advocates I really related to when I discovered him online.

I spent Autistics Speaking Day doing what I love - SPEAKING about autism and fighting for the rights of Autistic individuals.  Unfortunately, the weekend was super busy and I really haven't had a chance to talk about any of that on here.  But since I've wanted to talk about Matt's adorable post, because I think it is so relatable and if you haven't seen it, it's worth checking out.

In Matt's post from his Dude, I'm an Aspie blog (I linked it above), he talks about the "monsters" of autism.  He describes these as the individuals who pretend they're on the side of Autistics but really they're spouting nonsense or pushing their own agendas and causing genuine danger to Autistics.  These are the people who spread paranoia.  These are the people who treat Autistics as less than human.  These are the people who firmly believe that autism is a disease that needs a cure and Autistics would be much better off if they weren't Autistic.

I've tried and failed to write a post for Autistics Speaking Day and then a lot of life things came up and now it's November 4th so hopefully I'll get a chance to talk about that but I'm not making any promises.

Regardless, I think the most important thing to take away from Autistics Speaking Day is that Autistic individuals need to have a voice when it comes to issues that concern us, and Autistic individuals deserve the same dignity and respect that anyone else would deserve.

We need to speak up for ourselves and not let our voices be drowned out by people whose agendas might not be as pure.

"Be loud!"

Accessibility & Anxiety (& Autism)

As much as autism has been a factor in my life, I have had more troubles with anxiety in recent months.  I haven't had an autistic meltdown in what feels like a long time, but I have definitely experienced issues with anxiety in my recent past.

On the campus of my university, there are buildings I cannot go in to and restaurants I cannot make purchases from.  Or rather, there are buildings I am physically capable of going in to but buildings I simply cannot go in to because my anxiety won't let me.  I have places I won't walk alone - not scary places or anything like that, just certain hallways or stairwells or shortcuts that I cannot take without feelings of panic.  

Anxiety has kept me from doing things.  Anxiety has kept me from buying food I want to buy and has actually kept me from going to some of my classes, simply because I cannot go to certain places.  Anxiety is hard for me.  People throw the word anxiety around like you wouldn't imagine, and one of the biggest culprits of that is my roommate.  She's also one of my best friends, but I cannot stand it when she says she's "anxious" and "worrying" about these little things.  She says this so casually but after a while I just start panicking at the very idea of anxiety.  

I guess my Autistic-ness is most apparent when I express my anxiety.  For me, anxiety manifests in chewing fingers, flapping hands and arms, shaking head, pulling at my skin, disjointed speech, and repetition of words and/or phrases.  

Today, I cleaned my laptop while I was anxious.  I clean my laptop any time I take my laptop off my desk or out of my room, so this is not an unusual occurrence to me.  But anxious me?  

yooouuuuuu are not clean you are nnnnnot clllllleeean lyyysol lysol lysssssol lysol clean top top top top top top wet wetttttttttt clean wetttttttt lysol lyyyyyysol clean clean buttons buttttttons butttttttttttttttons butttttttttttttttons 

That's not an exact quotation of what I said.  I can't remember exactly what I said.  But thinking back -- this was probably an hour ago -- I know I was definitely muttering to myself something along those lines.  Self-talk is not abnormal for me.  Repeating words is not abnormal to me.  Drawing out certain syllables because they feel good on my tongue is not abnormal for me.  But all three together with the speech pattern I get in to when I'm having a "bad brain day" or "bad brain moment" can be frightening to people who don't always see my autism.  

This post started out just about anxiety and I guess I got talking about autism in the middle there.  That's all right with me though.  I have a multiple diagnoses.  Autism was my first diagnosis, but from there I've obtained a few more labels over the years, and when you have multiple conditions all in the same brain, sometimes they start to overlap a bit.  Case in point: When I'm anxious, I display more Autistic traits than I usually do.  

Anxiety is hard because I don't know how to stop being anxious.  I am at a point in my life where I can accept autism as my primary diagnosis and I can recognize that the way I do things is often different than others.  And that's fine with me.  That is out of my control.  That is my neurochemistry, and autism makes me who I am.  

Anxiety is harder to accept.  Anxiety is something everyone has -- even neurotypical individuals -- and anxiety is something you can have control over.  Anxiety is something you can harness and tame whereas autism is not.  Or, rather, this is how I have always been told.  

I feel bad when I can't stop my anxiety.  Something inside me tells me that I should be able to stop it, that I shouldn't really experiences these symptoms, that it's all in my head and that I have control over it, I just have to stop feeling those feelings. 

My problem right now is that I can't just stop being anxious.  And that's frustrating to me.  

On Brick Heck & Characteristics of the Autism Spectrum

One of my favorite shows on television right now is a little gem on ABC called The Middle.

It's a simple family comedy that genuinely makes me laugh.

Characters include the frazzled mom, the out-of-it dad, the over-it son, the over-enthusiastic daughter, and the younger son.

The youngest son is the favorite character of a lot of people I know who watch the show.  He is a quirky boy-turned-preteen who loves to read, has a lot of special interests, dislikes socialization, and repeats words to himself.  He is also loveable and quite adorable.  This is how the writers created this character of "Brick."

The show never references whether Brick has any diagnosis, but he definitely shows traits of stereotypical Asperger's Syndrome (or at the very least, he sure acts a lot like I do, or so people tell me).  On the show, Brick's parents make some comments about how he's different and he attends a social skills program for the first few years of the show, but other than that, Brick is just Brick.  Brick's behavior might be odd and definitely deviates from the behavior of the other children on the show, but nobody ever questions him.  We all just accept that Brick is Brick.

We see this on a lot of TV shows nowadays -- Autistic traits as part of a character who is never officially diagnosed on the spectrum.  Is this a trend?  Is autism the new popular thing?

And if so, why are real autistic individuals still so disadvantaged in the community?

I Am Capable

Do not ever let anyone tell you that you are not capable of something just because you are Autistic.  

Today, I saw a young Autistic woman -- barely a year older than me -- discriminated against by community workers just because of her Autism diagnosis.  Let me assure you, this woman is kind, well-meaning, persistent, competent, intelligent, and CAPABLE.  This woman is no different than any other human, and yet the way these professionals spat the word "Autism" -- as if it was some terrible disease or something that made her "less" -- made her seem incredibly "other" even though she clearly was not.  

It disheartened me that these well-educated people are so uneducated about autism and what it means to be Autistic.  

All Autistics are different.  Some Autistics need more assistance than others.  But regardless, we are all human, we all deserve dignity, and we are all capable.  We are individuals with a diagnosis of a neurological condition, not an illness or disability.  We are not ill.  We are quite able.  

It scares me to know that people -- especially community workers who should really know better -- think Autism is this terrible and scary thing and don't even try to get to know Autistic individuals.  As it goes, "Autism isn't a tragedy; Ignorance is the tragedy."  Yeah, I'd agree that's true.  Ignorance is also incredibly frustrating.  

Please don't be ignorant.  Please don't believe that all Autistics are the same or that an Autism diagnosis precludes an individual from certain rights and responsibilities.  

(I think the illustration above is just kind of silly.  I found it on Google).  

I am capable.  

Autistics are capable.