The Significance of Me

I am very happy.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I do feel like I have been blessed in so many ways.

Images like this make me remember how insignificant I am, but then I think that, out of all the people in all the places, out of all the lifeforms wherever they are, isn't is pretty remarkable that I am me?

Now. Here. This. is an amazing musical that played at the Vineyard Theatre in New York.  If you like musical theatre - which I do, and many of my friends do - this is one you need to check out.  Heck, if you like musical theatre, you've already heard the whole OCR for this a thousand times.  But if you want to contemplate your existence through the magic of song, you need to listen to this.  

There is a song in Now. Here. This. that discusses how incredibly lucky we are, to be who we are, where we are, and how so many things had to go right in the universe in order for us to be here today.  That makes me feel enormously significant.  That makes me feel like I need to do more with the life I've been given.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I have a personal belief I am here for a reason.  It's hard to remember that sometimes.  I get frustrated a lot.  I have to do a lot of things that I don't like to do.  There are many things that are difficult for me, and there are many times when I need to begrudgingly ask for help.  But at the end of the day, I've been giving this remarkable chance at this amazing thing called life.  

And for that I am grateful.  

An Influx of Spirituality

Lately, I have found myself getting more spiritual.  I "converted" to Christianity when I was a teenager; I was raised in a rather atheistic home and found the church when I was at an age and stage in my life where I really struggled to belong.  Living for God made me less lonely in a lonely world, I suppose.  That's how I see it, at least, when I look back on those times.  I had few friends and little want for friends, but I needed a purpose, and God's love was that purpose.  

It still is, today.  

My religious convictions come in waves.  One day, I am full of love for Jesus and thankful for the life He has constructed for me.  Other days, I have more questions.  Still other days, I have more earthly things to think about, and those immediate issues always seem so pressing.  

I think I know the kind of person I want to be, and I think my religion is going to be an important part of that.  

It's funny - there are so many Autistic individuals I know who absolutely reject religion, and honestly I feel like one of the few who is drawn to it.  Weird.  That's a deep and complicated idea that we won't delve into now, but I assume there is a reason for it.  

I like having a plan and it's comforting to think that God has a plan for me, even when the rest of the world seems completely opposed to giving me firm details.  

I'm still trying to figure myself out, obviously.  More on that later.  

God Created Autism

It's no secret that I am a Christian.

While I know faith is not for everyone and those with faith often believe different things, my personal journey has been greatly influenced by my understanding of God.  

I spent a lot of my childhood feeling out-of-place and like there was something wrong with me because I never quite "fit in."  

Coming to terms with my autism took me a long time, and it wasn't until I realized that God created me for a reason and He was the one who gave me my amazing brain.  

I believe God gave me autism for a reason.  That's just what I believe.

Thankful on a Monday

Yesterday, the pastor at church reminded me of the importance of prayer.  So often I recognize God's great presence in my life but forget to pray to Him.  That sentence right there just reminded me that I plan on writing a blog entry about autism and religion some time.  I am religious (obviously) but I don't care whether you are religious or not, or what religion you are, as long as your religion is based in love and being kind to others.  I find religion really interesting and, as a teenager, I became a Christian.  I'll talk more about that some time probably -- if I ever get around to writing it, that is :) -- but for now, I'm remembering in this moment how thankful I am for the many good gifts I have received from my God.

Whether you are religious or not, I believe it is helpful to recognize the good things you have and be glad for them.  I believe I receive these things from God, so when I give thanks, I give thanks to Him.  Other people believe differently than me and that is absolutely all right.

I am thankful for good friends who forgive me with grace and love.

I am thankful for a wonderful partner who makes me incredibly happy and for his loving family which has welcomed me with open arms.

I am thankful for intelligent parents who love me and support me.

I am thankful for my puppy dog, who gives me hope and joy daily and reminds me to be thankful.

I am thankful for a sweet niece who finds joy and wonder in little things.

I am thankful for good prices at Wal-Mart and inexpensive Diet soda.

I am thankful for the prescription medication that I take; thankful that it exists and is affordable for me, thankful that it works to improve my life.

I am thankful for the talented authors who write the books I enjoy.

I am thankful for teachers and classes and school.

I am thankful for tickles and jokes and games that make me smile and bring me joy.

I am thankful for new jobs and new opportunities and challenges that make me think.

I am thankful for the good people who share my religion and who provide me company at church and in worship.

Merely by the Grace of God

This is a personal post.  This is not a post about autism, this is just about me.

Specifically, this is about my religion.

Like many people, I find strength in my religion.  My religion is Christianity.  And I love my God and I trust Him.  Or, at least, I try.  It's really hard to trust God sometimes.  It's really hard to hand my anxiety over to Him and give Him all my fears and frustrations and ask that He sort them out for me.  I know God's fingerprints are all over my life and His work is evident in all I have, but I still struggle with a lot of issues, and as much as I try, it's hard to let God take over my troubles.

I have various mental illnesses -- including anxiety, OCD, and depression -- as well as Sensory Processing Disorder and, of course, I have Asperger's Syndrome as well.  When I was a child -- pre-medication -- I was hard to deal with.  I was a difficult kid.  I had trouble communicating, I hated socializing, I had issues with touch, I had huge problems with lack of organization, I couldn't deal with plans, and I had extreme anxiety about things that were "unclean."

Now, on an ever-changing cocktail of drugs, I still struggle with these things, some days more than others.

A lot of my childhood was spent feeling miserable and useless because I couldn't handle a lot of things.  One of the ways I got through it was coming to faith, something I first found around the age of nine and then became more engrossed in as a young teenager.  It wasn't until I came to the realization that God made me special that I started to accept myself and believe I was worth more than some people tried to suggest.  When I discovered that God gave me autism and that was part of His plan for me, I began to see autism as something positive.

A long time ago, God gave me autism.  He gave me other challenges too, and He has consistently given me the tools and skills to overcome the things that stress me out.  He has given me the knowledge that I can throw to Him anything that stresses me and ask Him for help.  I know He loves me and wants to take care of me.  I know all these things.

So I pray and I pray and I pray.  I pray for Him to make me happy and calm and I pray for good and productive days.

And yet, it's so incredibly difficult for me to let go of control of my life and let God take over.  I know I will be happier if I let Him in, but it's still an incredible challenge for me.

It is merely by the grace of God that I am here today.  It is merely by the grace of God that I am the person I am today. 

But it's still so hard to trust God with my fears.  Especially when I'm having a difficult day like today.