Sunday, 11 August 2013

Merely by the Grace of God

This is a personal post.  This is not a post about autism, this is just about me.

Specifically, this is about my religion.

Like many people, I find strength in my religion.  My religion is Christianity.  And I love my God and I trust Him.  Or, at least, I try.  It's really hard to trust God sometimes.  It's really hard to hand my anxiety over to Him and give Him all my fears and frustrations and ask that He sort them out for me.  I know God's fingerprints are all over my life and His work is evident in all I have, but I still struggle with a lot of issues, and as much as I try, it's hard to let God take over my troubles.

I have various mental illnesses -- including anxiety, OCD, and depression -- as well as Sensory Processing Disorder and, of course, I have Asperger's Syndrome as well.  When I was a child -- pre-medication -- I was hard to deal with.  I was a difficult kid.  I had trouble communicating, I hated socializing, I had issues with touch, I had huge problems with lack of organization, I couldn't deal with plans, and I had extreme anxiety about things that were "unclean."

Now, on an ever-changing cocktail of drugs, I still struggle with these things, some days more than others.

A lot of my childhood was spent feeling miserable and useless because I couldn't handle a lot of things.  One of the ways I got through it was coming to faith, something I first found around the age of nine and then became more engrossed in as a young teenager.  It wasn't until I came to the realization that God made me special that I started to accept myself and believe I was worth more than some people tried to suggest.  When I discovered that God gave me autism and that was part of His plan for me, I began to see autism as something positive.

A long time ago, God gave me autism.  He gave me other challenges too, and He has consistently given me the tools and skills to overcome the things that stress me out.  He has given me the knowledge that I can throw to Him anything that stresses me and ask Him for help.  I know He loves me and wants to take care of me.  I know all these things.

So I pray and I pray and I pray.  I pray for Him to make me happy and calm and I pray for good and productive days.

And yet, it's so incredibly difficult for me to let go of control of my life and let God take over.  I know I will be happier if I let Him in, but it's still an incredible challenge for me.

It is merely by the grace of God that I am here today.  It is merely by the grace of God that I am the person I am today. 

But it's still so hard to trust God with my fears.  Especially when I'm having a difficult day like today.