I'm Not Always Clueless

This is kind of an important post.

Well, for me it's an important post.

For me, it's an important concept.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 9 years old.  I have been Autistic my whole life.  I was Autistic yesterday, I am Autistic today, and I will be Autistic tomorrow.  That is not a difficult thing for most people to understand.

Being Autistic has challenges.  People understand that.

Sometimes, I don't understand everything that's said to me, or everything that happens around me.  Sometimes I need a bit of extra help.  People understand this.  

And that's lovely.  Most of the time.

There are a lot of people who know I am Autistic and then think I need everything to be explained to me.  I get really upset because of this, sometimes.  Especially when I know what has happened, and then someone tries to explain it to me, and explains it completely differently than the way I see it in my head.  Especially when they tell me I'm wrong and they're right because my brain works differently, so obviously

I'm not saying I'm always right.  I know I make mistakes.  And I know I sometimes do need help.

But when I need help, I will ask.  Please understand this.  Please know that I will ask for help when I need it.

I don't like it when people treat me like I am oblivious to everything around me.  I fully admit that I miss a lot of things and sometimes need things explained to me further, but I don't like it when people treat me like I don't know anything about what is going on around me.

It's a difficult balance and it's something I still don't know how to articulate, but I don't like it when people assume they know more than me, just because I'm Autistic.  Even if it's about a social situation and even though we all know I'm not the best at social situations, I still don't want other people to assume they know better or need to teach me.

*end of rant*

Random Musings From & About Today

Today, I had school until 3 and now I'm sitting at home finishing up a paper that's due tomorrow.  My friend is coming over later and hopefully she'll motivate me to work a bit harder.  Today is also my roommate's birthday.  I had an all right day at school today but my instructor doesn't seem to like me very much and I'm upset about that.  Plus I had a horrible headache and my leg has been really sore all day; I've just been feeling "off."

I had a long conversation about medications on my way home with my best friend / roommate.  I was talking about how I want to eventually go off my medications.  She thought it was a bad idea, saying that I function relatively well on my meds and shouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.  I told her that I've been on so many pills since I was 9 years old that I don't even know what I'm like without them.  Part of me is scared to find out but part of me is immensely curious.  I want to know what the "real" me is and I feel like for the last decade-and-a-bit these medications have been suppressing the "real" me.

I have a lot of schoolwork to do tonight but I'm pretty tired.  I have my Diet Coke and All Dressed Chips here to keep me company, but Youtube is calling and I'm much more curious in watching The Brain Scoop and Sci Show than writing my paper.

I ate an avocado for lunch today that was not very ripe.  Eating it was challenging.  It provided a lot of amusement for my classmates though.  I guess that's a good thing.  A few hours later they were still talking about how funny it was when I spent half an hour trying to eat my avocado.

I had my hair up all day and then took it down when I got home but I still have a headache.

My room is cold.  I kind of broke my robe last week so I will need to get a new one eventually.  I'm still wearing it now but it's not as good as it once was.

My roommates and I watch Jeopardy every night at 7.30.  Hopefully I'll have my work done in time to partake.  I love Jeopardy.

I feel like I'm gaining weight and that's making me really self-conscious and uncomfortable.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  It's a recent fear but it's making me nervous.

Autism (Sometimes) Makes Me Frustrated

I have had a diagnosis of autism for over 11 years.  I have been autistic my whole life though.  I have only known autism.  I do not know what it is like to be neurotypical.  In the same way, neurotypicals do not know what it is like to be autistic.  I just want to emphasize that.  Because when I have depressing days when I loathe myself and my unique neurochemistry, my feelings always seem to stem not from my own perceptions, but instead they always relate to the neurotypical people around me and their misimagining of me.
I love myself.  I am amazing.  But sometimes, my autism frustrates me.  Today, I got frustrated because of my autism.  Today, I had a bad brain day.
I got frustrated when I didn't understand a (poorly worded) question in class this morning and asked the professor to clarify.
I got frustrated when I got so fixated with that one mistake that I couldn't focus on learning.
I got frustrated with myself for being fixated so easily.
I got frustrated with myself for stimming in class - for shaking my hands, flapping my arms, and shaking my feet.
I got frustrated when others started to stare at me.  I felt embarrassed.  And that made me upset.
I got frustrated when I started to cry in the middle of the classroom.
I got frustrated with myself for being embarrassed of who I am.  That really shocks me.  I hate having negative feelings about autism.
All in all, I had a miserable morning.  I felt angry for being angry.
I got frustrated later when I got in a heated argument with someone I care very much about.
I got frustrated because I couldn't understand him.
I got frustrated because he couldn't understand me.
I got frustrated because I thought he should try harder to sympathize with me and explain his point-of-view more clearly.
I got frustrated when I started to cry.  That embarrassed me, too.
I got frustrated when he told me that I wasn't "trying" to understand him.  I felt really upset when he told me that I was just being "stubborn" and "pretending to be dumb."
I got frustrated when he compared me to his best friend (who is also autistic) and told me that his friend understands him and, since he and I are both autistic, I should understand him as well.
I got frustrated when he said I was not a "logical" person.  I got frustrated because I believe - in fact, I know - that I am a logical person.
I got frustrated when he asked if I'd ever "get over" being autistic, because he just wanted to have a "normal" conversation with me.  I'm actually still frustrated over that one.  Angry, even.
My point here is that it's OK to be frustrated.  It is good to acknowledge those feelings.  I often struggle to recognize what I am feeling, but now that I'm getting better at it, I find it really therapeutic to acknowledge whenever I feel something negative.  But, I think, at the end of the day, it's really important to remember that, no matter how frustrating it can be to be "different," I am autistic and I know my autism and, more importantly, I try to be proud of it and own my autism.  Now that the meltdown has subsided, I wouldn't want to change who I am.
I just need to find a support system that also wouldn't change me.

Understanding Emotions and Estrogen Soup

Emotions are difficult for some people on the autism spectrum.
Not necessarily, of course, but for many people with ASD -- me included -- it is difficult to deal with emotions.
This is not because we do not have emotions.  No, I have yet to meet an autistic person without emotions.  Rather, this is because sometimes, people on the autism spectrum struggle to express their emotions or even quantify their emotions healthily.
It took me a long time to be able to define my emotions.  I do not remember a time when I did not feel, but I  can think of a thousand instances when I struggled to describe my feelings.
Today, I am feeling a new meal of feelings that I call "estrogen soup."
Today, I feel frustrated.  I feel anxious.  I feel nervous.  I feel vulnerable.
Today, I feel lost.  I feel confused.  I feel angry.  I feel vindictive.
Today, I am unsure about whether these are the feelings I am genuinely feeling, but when I consider these definitions, I think that I'm at least partway there.  It took me a long time to realize that the best way to solve my problems is to identify my problems, and I'm just starting to see that the best way to avoid meltdowns and to manage one's own feelings is to first identify and accept the emotion and then tackle it.  You wouldn't try to build a rocket ship without extensive knowledge of the physics and mechanics involved and the knowledge that what you are building is, specifically, a rocket ship.  So how can you process "sadness" until you have identified the "sad"?
Today, I am floating in a puddle of estrogen soup.  I am managing my emotions, but just barely.  I have identified some of them but I still have itchy, anxious feelings crawling at my back and shoulders, tempting me with their newness.
Today, like so many other days, my emotion "frustration" is derived from my frustration with myself for being unable to identify my complex needs.
I am not happy today, I know this.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a happier day.