Random Musings From & About Today

Today, I had school until 3 and now I'm sitting at home finishing up a paper that's due tomorrow.  My friend is coming over later and hopefully she'll motivate me to work a bit harder.  Today is also my roommate's birthday.  I had an all right day at school today but my instructor doesn't seem to like me very much and I'm upset about that.  Plus I had a horrible headache and my leg has been really sore all day; I've just been feeling "off."

I had a long conversation about medications on my way home with my best friend / roommate.  I was talking about how I want to eventually go off my medications.  She thought it was a bad idea, saying that I function relatively well on my meds and shouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.  I told her that I've been on so many pills since I was 9 years old that I don't even know what I'm like without them.  Part of me is scared to find out but part of me is immensely curious.  I want to know what the "real" me is and I feel like for the last decade-and-a-bit these medications have been suppressing the "real" me.

I have a lot of schoolwork to do tonight but I'm pretty tired.  I have my Diet Coke and All Dressed Chips here to keep me company, but Youtube is calling and I'm much more curious in watching The Brain Scoop and Sci Show than writing my paper.

I ate an avocado for lunch today that was not very ripe.  Eating it was challenging.  It provided a lot of amusement for my classmates though.  I guess that's a good thing.  A few hours later they were still talking about how funny it was when I spent half an hour trying to eat my avocado.

I had my hair up all day and then took it down when I got home but I still have a headache.

My room is cold.  I kind of broke my robe last week so I will need to get a new one eventually.  I'm still wearing it now but it's not as good as it once was.

My roommates and I watch Jeopardy every night at 7.30.  Hopefully I'll have my work done in time to partake.  I love Jeopardy.

I feel like I'm gaining weight and that's making me really self-conscious and uncomfortable.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  It's a recent fear but it's making me nervous.

My Food Anxiety

School is consuming my life right now.  I had classes all day today and now I'm doing homework and floating around on Youtube.

I've been eating quite unhealthily recently and I'm upset about that.  When I don't eat well, I get jittery and anxious and I start to stress out a bit.  I get nervous when my blood sugar gets wonky.  I know this, but sometimes when I'm stressed, it's really hard for me to eat properly.  I get even more stressed at the idea of making food.  And I crave snack foods and need to snack to soothe myself.

Today, I ate & drank:
- hot chocolate
- one cinnamon bun
- a small plate of tortilla chips with some cheese and salsa
- a small bowl of Sunchips
- some pretzels
- Nearly 2.5 litres of water
- 2 litres of Diet Coke
- a lot of animal crackers

I'm not feeling great.  I'm enjoying these animal crackers at the moment, but my head is starting to feel wobbly and I want some proper food.

I don't know.

I get food anxiety.

Food Stress

Food is really stressful for me.
Making it.  Eating it.  There are a lot of foods I dislike and a lot of foods I simply can't stand the consistency of.  It's really challenging for me to make food as well because I have a lot of anxiety about cleanliness, and cleaning up after cooking and keeping my food clean is always of great concern.  Plus, the time it takes to cook has never been something I've been particularly keen on.
Food is stressful.
But when I don't eat properly -- when I don't have a near-perfect balance of vitamins and minerals -- I act differently.  I get more "Autistic" when I have low blood sugar.  I can't control myself when I haven't eaten.
I'm moving this week and -- for the first time -- I'm going to be cooking for myself.
I'm going to be forced to fend for myself regarding food for, basically, the first time.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I bought lunch at Subway today, but starting tomorrow, it looks like I'll be cooking myself.  If I can bring myself to cook.
It's a goal, I guess.  Two homemade meals a day -- a simple lunch and a slightly-more-complex-but-still-simple dinner.  Plus snacks because I need and love snacks.  And Diet Coke to drink.  Also: water.  I require a lot of water.
I started taking an online course about cooking and nutrition to encourage me to be more interested in cooking for myself.  It seems -- so far -- to be working, because after watching all the syllabus videos for the week this morning, I'm almost itching to get into the kitchen and try out a vegetable stirfry.  I like vegetable stirfry, so I hope I like making it.
My boyfriend tells me I "change" when I haven't eaten properly, and so I know it's important -- for my behavior and my mental health -- that I eat, and that I don't just eat "junk" that's easy to get my hands on.  It's just been tough to encourage myself to do so, up until now.
Wish me luck?
I'll post more about cooking once I start.