I Hate Sad People

Sometimes people are sad.

I have never been comfortable around sad people because I don't know how to respond to them.

Sad people make me uncomfortable and anxious.  I just don't know how to react around them.  I shut down.  And there are people who turn to me for comfort, but I just don't know *how* to comfort them.  

I fully recognize that I am "bad at sad."  But I really stress when I'm expected to be comforting and I am simply incapable of it.  These are the moments I feel the most Autistic (in a bad way).  These are the moments I struggle the most to feel comfortable with myself and feel like an adequate person to those who love me.  I sometimes feel so incompetent in relationships.  And when people are sad, I tend to feel worse about myself.

Random Musings From & About Today

Today, I had school until 3 and now I'm sitting at home finishing up a paper that's due tomorrow.  My friend is coming over later and hopefully she'll motivate me to work a bit harder.  Today is also my roommate's birthday.  I had an all right day at school today but my instructor doesn't seem to like me very much and I'm upset about that.  Plus I had a horrible headache and my leg has been really sore all day; I've just been feeling "off."

I had a long conversation about medications on my way home with my best friend / roommate.  I was talking about how I want to eventually go off my medications.  She thought it was a bad idea, saying that I function relatively well on my meds and shouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.  I told her that I've been on so many pills since I was 9 years old that I don't even know what I'm like without them.  Part of me is scared to find out but part of me is immensely curious.  I want to know what the "real" me is and I feel like for the last decade-and-a-bit these medications have been suppressing the "real" me.

I have a lot of schoolwork to do tonight but I'm pretty tired.  I have my Diet Coke and All Dressed Chips here to keep me company, but Youtube is calling and I'm much more curious in watching The Brain Scoop and Sci Show than writing my paper.

I ate an avocado for lunch today that was not very ripe.  Eating it was challenging.  It provided a lot of amusement for my classmates though.  I guess that's a good thing.  A few hours later they were still talking about how funny it was when I spent half an hour trying to eat my avocado.

I had my hair up all day and then took it down when I got home but I still have a headache.

My room is cold.  I kind of broke my robe last week so I will need to get a new one eventually.  I'm still wearing it now but it's not as good as it once was.

My roommates and I watch Jeopardy every night at 7.30.  Hopefully I'll have my work done in time to partake.  I love Jeopardy.

I feel like I'm gaining weight and that's making me really self-conscious and uncomfortable.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  It's a recent fear but it's making me nervous.

90s Flashback

When I was younger, I loved this show.

When I was younger, Sabrina the Teenage Witch was my favorite.  I loved Sabrina and the other characters (especially Aunt Zelda).

Of course I'm far from the only girl who liked Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  I don't even think I'm the only one who wished I, too, could be a witch.  I enjoyed the way Sabrina was different.  I enjoyed the way Sabrina dealt with her challenges.  I enjoyed the way Sabrina took charge of her own life and always tried to make the best of any situation that arose.

Sabrina didn't always fit in, but neither did I.  Somehow, I felt like I could relate.

In episode 1 of the 5th season, Sabrina says to her new roommate: "I don't have to justify myself to you.  Whether you think I'm weird or not doesn't matter."

I loved that line when I was a teenager and it still gives me a happy shiver to this day.

"I don't have to justify myself to you.  Whether you think I'm weird or not doesn't matter."

For some reason, that is so empowering to me.

I love how this show scoffs at normal.  I love how this show celebrates the joy of difference.