Thursday, 2 May 2013

Moving & Autism Associated Friendship Fails

I can tell you every piece of news that's been said on CNN today.  I've been watching it since about 8.30 AM and it's now nearly time for dinner.
Yesterday was a day of changes, and for those of you who don't know me, I should point out that I absolutely despise changes.
Changes scare me.
I am genuinely frightened by change.
It takes a lot of mental preparation to get myself to a place where I can even begin to physically prepare for a change.  Changes in plans are enough to send me into a full-blown meltdown.
So yesterday, moving from my peaceful building where I was able to enjoy immaculate solitude in my perfectly cleaned and organized room and into an unfamiliar apartment with a living space, kitchen, and bathroom that I have to share with another person was hardly my favorite activity.
It's a four-bedroom apartment and I'll only be here for a few weeks.  Also, the person I'm living with happens to be my best friend.  You'd think that would calm me down.  I thought it would, at least.  But no.  Yesterday afternoon, I fell on my new bed and cried and rocked for three hours.  Last night, I was in a trance; I could barely think.
I had to do laundry.  The laundry machines in this building look the same as the old ones but they're in a different configuration.  I don't like that.  I like the side-by-side machines, not the across-from-each-other machines.  The washing machines also smell funny.  I don't like that either.
The shower is new to me.  I don't like it.  It isn't as well-lit as my old shower and the showerhead is a different shade of grey and the water temperature isn't as easily controlled as I am used to.
The handsoap is a different brand and it has a very strong smell.  It's my friend's soap.  It's green and too sticky and leaves a soapy smell long after it's been used.  I don't like that.
The internet cord is stuck in my computer because I don't know how to work it.
The bed is lower than my old bed.
The place is cluttered and unclean.
So I have watched CNN.  I have sat here and I have tried to make myself comfortable.  I have drank Diet Coke (it's my "happy" drink) and Earl Grey tea (another drink that usually calms me down) and I've eaten nearly a whole bag of Sunchips.  And I've stewed and stewed and wondered and mused.  I've been frustrated and anxious and I simply don't know what to do.
The funny thing here is that I was so excited, a few weeks ago, to move in with my best friend.  I was so excited to share a living space with her.  I was so excited to be able to spend more time with her.  It felt like a marker of growing up and I was really looking forward to it.  I love my friend dearly and I wouldn't want to live with anyone else.
Of course, I can't imagine it looks that way, though.  I know I'm not being a "good" roommate.  I know how to act around my friends and I know my behavior now must be bothering her.
I can't control it, though.
I am Autistic, and this is one of those situations where I wish, for just a second, that I wasn't Autistic. I hate autism right now.  I hate what it does to me.  I hate that it makes me so anxious and so self-conscious and so emotional and so depressed and so confused.  I hate that I cannot get off this couch, I cannot go into the bathroom, I cannot walk around on this floor (even in socks AND slippers) because I know it's not clean (to my standard).
I hate that my friend probably hates me and hates living with me.  I hate that she probably won't want to live with me again.  Because I WANT so badly to live with her.  I want to live in an apartment with her next school year, but I'm scared that she won't now.