Sunday, 17 February 2013

Meltdown Recovery

It is hard to recover from a bad brain day.  It is hard to hold your head up high when you still feel constricted in your chest, a throbbing and pounding pain in your head, and too many thoughts that you just can't control. It's hard to be calm, cool, and collected when your arms and hands are flapping and shaking in a way that draws everyone's negative attention toward you.  
Bad brain days are terrifying.  The physical pain associated with them is absolutely unbearable.  And when my brain gets cluttered, I can't think straight.  It is so scary to be unable to think. I know there are thoughts in my head and they're clawing to get out, but it's impossible to separate them from one another, as if they're all tangled awkwardly together.
When I am having a bad brain day, I become both physically and emotionally stressed.  I get anxious.  I get angry.  I lose myself in my brain.  I know I'm having thoughts - I can feel them - but I cannot decipher the things that I am thinking.  I can physically feel my blood pressure increasing.  I can feel thoughts bouncing around  chaotically in the entropy of my skull.
I don't really have any motivation for writing this.  I guess I just wanted to say that while melting down is an unfortunate consequence of autism for many people, it's something that we deal with and it's something that we experience regardless of our best efforts.  I guess I just wanted to say that, even though a meltdown itself might be more obvious, recovering from a meltdown or that awkward energy required to try to stave off another one is nearly impossible and takes a lot of effort.
I know my brain is different.  And frankly, I like my brain a lot.  If I did not have autism, I wouldn't be me, so I am not complaining.  I'm just saying that sometimes, autism interferes with my life.  And sometimes, people don't understand how taxing it can be when thing in my brain get swirled around until they're unrecognizable. Sometimes, people are angry with me when I don't act "normal."
That's what's frustrating for me: feeling uncomfortable and being misunderstood.