I Can't Keep Calm Because I Have Anxiety

This is one of my favorite things.  

I have been increasingly anxious in the last few weeks and months.  I'm not really sure how to deal with it.  

Sometimes, I just have to make fun of myself.  

I can't keep calm because I have anxiety.

Frustrated by Ignorance (& Pre-Marital Counselling)

Why am I crying right now?

My fiance just called me.  He'd been called to "pre-marital counselling detention" (as I called it), but more specifically, our pastor had asked to have a private meeting with him.  We've both been speculating for a few days over what would be discussed in this meeting.  We had a lot of ideas.  But we were totally wrong.

He wanted to talk about my Asperger's.

I wasn't even there (he specifically asked my fiance to meet him privately) to discuss my brain.

I haven't gotten the whole story yet, but I'm upset about that.  I'm upset because, frankly, I don't know if he would know that I was Autistic if my fiance and I had not disclosed it to him, a long time ago.  He's strangely preoccupied with my brain though and at our other pre-marital counselling meeting, he asked about it a lot.  I don't mind when people ask questions about my brain, but I'm not keen on people asking questions about my brain from people who don't know what they're talking about.

My fiance knows a lot about me and a bit about autism, but he's not the expert.  If anyone's the expert, it's ME.

What did the pastor ask about?  Well, he just mentioned to my fiance that marriage spiced with Asperger's will have its own unique challenges and life might be hard for us.  But isn't life hard for everybody?

He said that - since I apparently give less facial information than neurotypical people - I might in some way hinder my children's development.  WHAT?  My fiance and I really look forward to having kids, so this definitely peeved me.  I don't want to hear this man's backward explanation of my brain and how he thinks I'll somehow screw up my children because I apparently don't have an expressive face!  That is absurd and judgmental and makes me feel really bad about myself.

He also suggested that we visit a medical doctor (as a couple) to talk about Asperger's.  As if I've never visited a doctor about my brain before.  As if I've never seen a neurologist.  As if I haven't had years of cognitive behavior therapy.  As if I haven't seen all the specialists in pediatric autism Toronto, Ontario (at SickKids, CAMH, Geneva... I've seen them all).  As if I haven't read books and befriended other Autistic kids and been in special education and gone to extracurricular programs with other Autistic people.  I KNOW HOW AUTISM WORKS.  And even more than that, I'd like to say that I'm the most knowledgeable person about my own brain.

I fully think it would be great if my fiance had a better understanding of autism, but I think it's more important that he understands me, and I'd like to think that when he looks at me he sees more than a diagnosis I received at nine years of age.  I can't go back and "fix" my brain or change it in some way so I don't have this condition.  This is how I was built and I'm OK with that.  I actually like my brain and don't see it as a liability.  But when people like this pastor treat it like it's some sort of huge problem and obstacle that we have to overcome, it makes me feel really inadequate, like autism is a bad thing.

Autism is not a bad thing.

Autism is not a punishment.  Not for me and certainly not for my fiance.  Autism is a small portion of my life and an even smaller portion of his life.

When my fiance mentioned that the pastor said he should find a support group for other people married to Autistic individuals, I thought that was a good idea, but I retorted back that I want a support group for Autistic people married to neurotypicals, because even though I know I can be annoying sometimes, neurotypical people can definitely be an annoyance to me.

I am smart enough to see ignorance when it is near me, and frankly this small town I currently live in is full of it.  I'm really frustrated that this man is so preoccupied with my brain chemistry that he can't see through that and to all of my good qualities.

All I want to do is be happy in my marriage.  Isn't that what everybody wants, whether they're Autistic or neurotypical?

Next time, I really hope he asks me about my brain instead of asking my fiance, and next time I hope he gets to know me before expressing his concerns about how an Autistic person could possibly exist independently in the world.

Me, My Fiance, and My Autism: Part 1

My fiance is the love of my life.  I adore him for many reasons, and sometimes the cardinal reason I love him is that he puts up with my "crazy."

Note: I started this post with the intention that it would be a positive picture of my relationship and the small part of it that is my neurochemistry, but every time he and I argue about something, it all seems to come back to the fact that we don't think in the same way, and that is what causes our conflicts.  I love my fiance so much and want our relationship to be perfect.  I will do anything to make our relationship successful.  And yet sometimes I feel so unequipped because my brain doesn't work the same way his does.  Sometimes I just need reassurance that we can be happy and successful, fifty years from now, even though our neurons behave in different ways.  So this will be "Part 1" in a series about Me, My Fiance, and My Autism.

I knew that, in order for any romantic relationship to work, I would need to be upfront and honest about my autism.  I had been in disastrous relationships before that were unhealthy and unproductive and downright unpleasant, and I knew that for a relationship to work, I would need to be completely honest about who I am and what I need.  My first breakup was really hard on me (even though the guy was completely wrong for me, but of course I couldn't see that then) and I definitely didn't want to go through another miserable breakup again.

When I first met my fiance, we talked a lot.  We used to talk on the phone, actually, and I remember telling him in one of our earliest conversations that I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was young.  I was surprised when he just sort of brushed over it and didn't make it into a big deal.  For so long, I had been ashamed of my autism, so the fact that my partner was okay with it made me feel much more confident to be myself and not to try to hide my real personality from him.

I think this is going to be a pretty long series about Me, My Fiance, and My Autism.  I will try to discuss conflict, how we make our relationship work, how we support each other, how we respond to what is important with the other person...  If you're particularly interested in any of the above, please let me know -- I haven't started writing any of them and they're all up in my head somewhere, but that's it for the moment.

Also: I would love to answer questions about my relationship and my autism.  If anyone has anything they would like to ask, please go ahead!  

Baby Names Based on Astrology

I don't have children yet, and when I do, I will doubt that I will name them based on their astrological sign.

I don't know much about astrology, but I do know a lot about names.

Here's a a quick review of the astrological signs and some info about them, if you don't know this stuff.  I got this chart from this website.

Sign	Planet	Element	Personality Traits
Aries: The Ram, Mar. 21-April 19	Mars	fire	confident, independent, bold
Taurus: The Bull, Apr. 20-May 20	Venus	earth	stubborn, determined, devoted
Gemini: The Twins, May 21-June 21	Mercury	air	intelligent, ambitious
Cancer: The Crab, June 22-July 22	Moon	water	sensitive, moody, sympathetic
Leo: The Lion, July 23-Aug. 22	Sun	fire	generous, enthusiastic, temperamental
Virgo: The Virgin, Aug. 23-Sept. 22	Mercury	earth	calm, intellectual
Libra: The Scales, Sept. 23-Oct. 23	Venus	air	orderly, just, sympathetic
Scorpio: The Scorpion, Oct. 24-Nov. 21	Mars	water	philosophical, loyal, strong-willed
Sagittarius: The Archer, Nov. 22-Dec. 21	Jupiter	fire	imaginative, practical
Capricorn: The Goat, Dec. 22-Jan. 19	Saturn	earth	loyal, ambitious, blunt
Aquarius: The Water Carrier, Jan. 20-Feb. 18	Uranus	air	giving, idealistic, creative
Pisces: The Fish, Feb. 19-Mar. 20	Neptune	water	sensitive, timid, sympathetic

One of my favorite things about this chart is that it gives you some ideas to consider if you want to choose a name that is significant to the zodiac.  For example, you can use a name that reflects the element of the sign (eg. "Terra" is an earth name, so it would be appropriate for an earth sign).  You can also use the personality traits or planets to derive names of significance; maybe pick a name with a meaning that reflects the personality traits of specific astrological signs.  

This page also offers some suggested beginnings for names that would "bring luck" to kids born during this time.  

Aries: A, L, Ch names

Taurus: I, U, E, O, Wa, We, Wi, Wo names

Gemini: A, H, Gh, Ka, Ke, Ko names

Cancer: Da, De, Do, He, Hi, Ho, Hu names

Leo: Ma, Me, Mo, Ta, Te, To names

Virgo: Pa, Pe, Po, Sh, Ta, Th names

Libra: Ra, Re, Ro, Ta, Te, To names

Scorpio: Na, Ne, No, To, Ya, Ye, Yu names

Sagittarius: Bh, Dh, Ph, Ta, Ye, Yo names

Capricorn: Bh, Ga, Ge, Ja, Je, Kh names

Aquarius: Da, Ge, Go, Sa, Se, So names

Pisces: Ch, De, Jh, Th, Ya names

I like names.  I like the freedom of names that's reigned in by the pattern of it all.  I like name guidelines, but I also like the ability to choose that names allow.  This is kind of a useless post.  I guess it's just kind of a "for your information" kind of situation.  I like names.  I guess that's it.  I have an obsession with names.

The Significance of Me

I am very happy.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I do feel like I have been blessed in so many ways.

Images like this make me remember how insignificant I am, but then I think that, out of all the people in all the places, out of all the lifeforms wherever they are, isn't is pretty remarkable that I am me?

Now. Here. This. is an amazing musical that played at the Vineyard Theatre in New York.  If you like musical theatre - which I do, and many of my friends do - this is one you need to check out.  Heck, if you like musical theatre, you've already heard the whole OCR for this a thousand times.  But if you want to contemplate your existence through the magic of song, you need to listen to this.  

There is a song in Now. Here. This. that discusses how incredibly lucky we are, to be who we are, where we are, and how so many things had to go right in the universe in order for us to be here today.  That makes me feel enormously significant.  That makes me feel like I need to do more with the life I've been given.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I have a personal belief I am here for a reason.  It's hard to remember that sometimes.  I get frustrated a lot.  I have to do a lot of things that I don't like to do.  There are many things that are difficult for me, and there are many times when I need to begrudgingly ask for help.  But at the end of the day, I've been giving this remarkable chance at this amazing thing called life.  

And for that I am grateful.  

I'm Not Always Clueless

This is kind of an important post.

Well, for me it's an important post.

For me, it's an important concept.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 9 years old.  I have been Autistic my whole life.  I was Autistic yesterday, I am Autistic today, and I will be Autistic tomorrow.  That is not a difficult thing for most people to understand.

Being Autistic has challenges.  People understand that.

Sometimes, I don't understand everything that's said to me, or everything that happens around me.  Sometimes I need a bit of extra help.  People understand this.  

And that's lovely.  Most of the time.

There are a lot of people who know I am Autistic and then think I need everything to be explained to me.  I get really upset because of this, sometimes.  Especially when I know what has happened, and then someone tries to explain it to me, and explains it completely differently than the way I see it in my head.  Especially when they tell me I'm wrong and they're right because my brain works differently, so obviously

I'm not saying I'm always right.  I know I make mistakes.  And I know I sometimes do need help.

But when I need help, I will ask.  Please understand this.  Please know that I will ask for help when I need it.

I don't like it when people treat me like I am oblivious to everything around me.  I fully admit that I miss a lot of things and sometimes need things explained to me further, but I don't like it when people treat me like I don't know anything about what is going on around me.

It's a difficult balance and it's something I still don't know how to articulate, but I don't like it when people assume they know more than me, just because I'm Autistic.  Even if it's about a social situation and even though we all know I'm not the best at social situations, I still don't want other people to assume they know better or need to teach me.

*end of rant*

100 Unique Names

I recently posted this about my name obsession.  I love names.  I have Asperger's Syndrome and, characteristic of Asperger's Syndrome, I make lists and I have strange passions.  My first passion was names.  Making lists of names has been my passion since before kindergarten.

I collected a bunch of "new" names recently into a list of over a thousand names, and thought I'd pick out 50 of the top female and male names that really stand out to me from that list.  I posted a handful of each here, but of course a handful of names is never enough for me.

FEMININE

Aeris

Anahid

Anaiah

Apphia

Atia

Azadeh

Berrie

Betty

Blythe

Chavielle

Egypt

Emmarie

Exa

Florence

Gentry

Hester

Immalia

Jessa

Jorja

July

Kaci

Kaiyah

Kalare

Kyersten

Kyzmia

Laurellynne

Lave

Leta

Liberty

Lorca

Macie

Maela

Makerra

Maragwyn

Marigold

Marlowe

Matisyn

Meris

Merit

Mileah

Millay

Mykinli

Nyx

Odessa

Olive

Phynna

Saylor

Selah

Shirley

Waverly

MASCULINE

Arland

Artem

Atticus

Barnabus

Booker

Braxton

Brecken

Cael

Calan

Canaan

Cash

Clement

Clinton

Dallas

Dante

Darcy

Dashlan

Decker

Dixon

Elmer

Glendon

Gunnar

Hezekiah

Holden

Howard

Jacobus

Jett

Justice

Kaelo

Kyrem

Linwood

Malacai

Mathieu

Memphis

Nelwyn

Oak

Porter

Ramsey

Rigby

Roarke

Rocco

Roscoe

Silas

Tanner

Thane

Trace

Tripp

Warden

Woodrow

Zev

If you like this list, there are a thousand others where this one came from.  I think in this one, I'm trying to hilight "weird" names, names that are different from my traditional style.  In this list, I've included names that are abnormal to me.  In this list, I've included names I rarely hear.  I've included surnames.  I've included unique spellings that I like.  I've included a lot of one-syllable names.  I've included a lot of Biblical and historically-inspired names.  

Does anyone know of a good site where I can have access to loads of unique names -- names like these -- so that I can further broaden my knowledge?

What are your favorite names from this list?